It’s very interesting, this whole love thing.

Think about it for a moment, there are so few other sensations in life that allow one the feeling of complete fulfillment and a sense of abandonment almost at the same time.  Love can be rewarding, fulfilling and provide the motivation for creating a balanced life that allows one to see their dreams through to fruition or love can be a sensation one yearns for, that feels as if the emotion is quick to dissipate and leave one wanting to experience more, wanting something they may not be rewarded with.

I am in love, and have been for some time, and I understand the power love provides needs to be balanced. Too much and what needs to given priority falls by they waysides, too little and the emotion dies on the vine, much line a fruit exposed to frost; however, what most do not understand about love is this – if you are in love, TRULY IN LOVE, it will always come back no matter what happens, no matter what adversity that it faces.

The love one gives to another is truly a gift.

People often take such a thing for granted as they do not understand how valuable the love one gives to another really is.

Every moment, regardless of the adversity I face, I take every chance to reflect upon, and appreciate, the love that I have in my life. I understand that the complications of life, I also understand how complications have the ability to cloud our emotions. That is why I step back and take full stock of what life has given me… to understand my reward is the love, support and emotion you give me regardless of what has happened in life.

The fact is this – you stole my love a long time ago and never knew it. While time has distorted our understanding of life, we are here today – at this very moment – and we managed to find each other after so many years.  While we grew on our own, we also have come to understand that we have the ability to grow together.  We face a number of challenges, some self-imposed, but we truly  have the ability to get through anything together if that is what we so desire.

Because of you I am who I am today.  Because of you I understand both pain and joy. Because of you I think anything is possible.

I love you.

TV talk

This evening is the two hour season finale of Storm chasers on Discovery channel.  Have to say, I love it. Make sure you tune in! The weather channel tried to come up with their own, bastardized, version that is very lame in comparison…

A few other shows are coming on that will keep my attention. The season premier of “Hoarders” starts on Monday, 11/30. You can catch that on A&E. Monday also brings the season premier of Pawn Stars on the History Channel.  Nothing beats watching people who collect everything and anything while living in total squaller OR watching people desperate for money trying to sell of their possessions.

Finally, HBO’s “Big Love” season 4 starts on January 10th.

Experimenting with Food

Right now there is a white bean chicken chili sitting in the crock pot just cooking away.  After the W had soup at the other day I thought “I can make something like this…”  Well, I’m not sure my experiment is going to end up as chili, maybe more of a soup than anything.

We’ll see how it turns out.  The results will be over at Yes, We Cook!

Staying true to yourself

The W and I were talking about how one becomes a good person.  It it their willingness to help others? Is it the principles they live their life by? No clue…  However, the discussion lead into happiness, personal happiness and begin fulfilled in life. This all begs the question what truly makes one happy?

In order to be truly happy I would say that one needs to be true to themselves. That means one must understand who they are and what they believe in.  If you are interested in doing a self evaluation here is a good list of items to look at.

Insomnia is back with me today and after a long day that was very stressful and fill with emotions I had not experience in a long, long time, sleep is exactly what I would want (and need). Even with government approved methods for sleep, no such luck… and the old wives tales don’t work much either.

What I hate about insomnia is the thinking – the constant thinking. I cannot shut my mind down, it just won’t unplug from the matrix (as it were). I sit in bed attempting to fill my mind with black space but one thing, one thought, can get in and cause havoc. For some reason that one thought acts like a “wake cancer” that spreads ideas and thoughts throughout my mind that I end up focusing on. Usually, this will go on for two or three hours.

Just as my mind starts to tune out, and the over saturating thoughts of before are fading into the past, wouldn’t you know it, my eyes pop wide open for one reason …. to ask the question “was I just asleep?”

Ironically, I believe the evening (night) is the best time of my day – that is to say I an a night owl. I am usually wide awake, ready to take on tasks, bake, do something creative, play video games, do work for the office…. however, there isn’t much demand for highly specialized IT architects with and audit management background to be working from home from 12AM to 9AM. But if there was one, I would be ALL over it… and if you know of one, email me!

As with all other things in life, this is part of my life rhythm and how I deal with, and make the best of, will ultimately determine how successful I’ll be with this ‘gift’.

Yesterday, August 27th, 2009 was year one of the blogging experiment known as vansantos.com.  During the majority of the time I posted on a daily basis.  The months of July 2009 and August 2009 were slower than what I had previously established but that was due in part of a number of medical issues I faced.  I simply didn’t have the energy or focus to blog on a consistent period during that time.

Regardless of how much I may or may not have posted, I was very impressed – no, honored – to see 76,555 people came to read over 300,000 pages on the site during that time.  I never expected such numbers, and I didn’t really have a goal. I was simply tracking my thoughts and how they are changing over time.  I’m glad to see there are a number of people out there who share some of the interests that I do.

The three stories that obtained the most attention over the last year are:

Pixar, you’re a class act – Fills dying wish to see UP 3000 views (30K in page views)

Up To 15 UK Retal Chains Expected To Go Bankrupt (23K PV)

The Orb – Blue Room (Coco Da Bank Remix) (12.5K PV)

That is all well and nice for the story but what about me, what did I learn and how did I grown over this period of time?

Amazingly, I’ve found much I can depend on my friends and family. My sense of “go it alone” is somewhat past due to the understanding that I don’t to through life alone. OH, and friends do not have to next door to me… they can be in SC, NJ, UK or CA.

The medical issues I’ve had to live with made me understand that I am not the person I used to be… or even more… I may not even be aware of who I am today. What comes next in the process it to take what I don’t know and transform it into what I want to  know, what I want to believe in.

Finally, the last year has all pointed to the development of my next phase in life.  I have an idea, one I’ve played over in my mind consistently – such as finishing my masters – and than making a switch to a career and lifestyle that is more in tune with who I am and what I want the rest of my life to be like.  The plan is in motion and I will blog about it when the time is right.

The year of consistent blogging has a tool that focuses me in both the best times and the difficulty times. Based off of what I’ve experienced, what I’ve felt, those I’ve met and the lives I’ve had a chance to influence – both mind and others – there is no way I can stop now.

Thanks for going along on the ride with me.

Back a few days I was reflecting on my last 32 years of life.  One of the main points the post was making was how my voyage has lead me to this moment in life, and while the life I’ve lead thus far has been rewarding it is time that I begin to live a life that is in line with who I am.

Wandering Coyote made a very important point that needs to be addressed by anyone looking at life and wondering “hmm, where do I go from here”

It sounds to me like you have done a good job of analyzing what’s going on for you and figuring out what you need to move forward. The hard part is the follow-through. I wish you the strength do take those steps you need to follow through.

Emphasis added.

For the last year I’ve been looking at my life trying to determine what I want to include as I move forward.  This introspection was very general to being but, over time, has become more and more specific. Wandering Coyote is right, once one determines his or her path in life actually moving in that direction is the hardest thing to do.

Let’s assume one has spent a third of their life moving in one direction – say becoming a doctor – and then they wake up one day and say “I don’t want this any longer, I want to be a chef”.  Years of educations, student loans and expectations all need to be dealt with.  One plan (the doctor) would have provided this person with a job that would have provided a comfortable life while the second plan (Chef) would provide peace of mind but introduce other stressors.

This is when the follow-through becomes an issue for some.

Basically, this individual is walking away from a life and starting new one in just about every aspect. Such a dramatic shift can, obviously, cause a whole new set of problems for this individual. While introspection is needed, rather understanding of what one wants from life, a plan to follow-through is equally if not more important.

The hard part is truly the follow-through.  While I have a good idea of a plan I really need to put more thought into the whole thing in order to have the best possible outcome. Again, have an idea but I don’t want to be caught in the wind.

Another important point to highlight is the support.  Having a group of freinds, family and loved ones to assist in the change of life is critical as well.  While I feel I need to plan more, I know I have the support around me to help with any changes.

Rather hard for me to believe but I’ve hit 32 years old.  I still can recall all of five years ago, just starting at the company I’m currently employed with.  Everything seemed new, everything seemed possible.

How times have changed.

Now everything still seems possible, I just don’t care about the possible.  I care about the probable. I guess, looking over the last five years, what catches me off guard is how significantly my perception of life and my reality has shifted. Again, everything seemed possible.  I was full of hope and motivation.  Now, I’m just happy to be… well.. just happy to be.

Before I was concerned about making a career for myself.  I honestly can’t say that is a goal of mine any longer. Eventually, I want to move to something that keeps me happy and provides a paycheck.  Not simply providing a paycheck.

Along the way in life I’ve made a number of friends, a number of really good friends.   All of these people have provided me with guidance, direction, support… all have extended their friendship to me without expecting anything in return.  I appreciate what they’ve given me and what they continue to give me.

But hitting 32 really has made me look at my quality of life.  From a health perspective, things have become rather “poor” for me.  In part I’ve let this happen. For example, I stopped running my 7 to 10 miles a day, as a result, I’m out of shape.  Other things; however, I’ve had absolutely no control over.  I’ve simply grabbed on for the ride and let life take me where it’s going to take me.

The next question I have to ask myself – seriously ask myself – is where do I go from here.

While I’ve started to ask that very question over the last 8 months, it is becoming more and more self evident that I need to look to the future. What is it I want to do in life, what do I wish to accomplish, and what do I really hope to get from the experience. I am no longer asking what is it I want to get but what is it I want to experience, what is it I want to do.  Before it was about the end goal, now it’s about moving along the path.

I’m going to make the assumption that 5 years from now my desires and goals will not be the same as they are today. When that time comes I’ll go through the same experience and determine what is next for me.  The real question is what steps will I take to get there and what will be the major influences along with way?

So, to wrap up this moment of introspection.  Thanks to all of my friends that support me, thanks to the family that loves me, and above all, I am most thank for for the experience – be it difficult or easy. In the end, that is the only thing we are all left with.

Well, I’m looking at the whole concept of what is it I want to do in life.  Yes, this is something I’ve been thinking about for some time but it seems that the subject is now getting more attention from me than previously.

Let me eliminate a few things here as I do have a job in a hard employment environment…. I do not have a bad job – it’s rather secure and it’s with a solid company – and  I do not have a bad manager – when I look at my career I feel safe saying she is the best boss I’ve had in my career – it’s simply that I am looking at the entire life asking where is it I want to go and what do I want to do.

It was suggested to me that I write my “ideal job description” in order to help focus on what my next position in life could/should be.  I’ve started writing the description, there are many more revisions and alterations that need to take place, but the entire experience is turning out to be an eye opener simply because I’m really starting to see that my choice of careers, while comfortable from an income perspective, does not really match with who and what I am as a person.

What is does match me?  Good question and one that I do not know yet, but an answer that I am starting to look at.

More to come soon…

Well, I cannot sleep.  It is due to a number of things.  First off, the bar/club across the stress is VERY loud this evening.  At first it was the music, then it was the drunken bastards who decided “Hey, I need to smoke!” that poured out into the street to get their fix.

I hate the Chicago law that forbids smoking in bars/clubs/restaurants. Bottom line, if someone wants to some in a bar – they should be able to. If someone doesn’t like the fact that another is smoking in a bar, they can leave.  If the bar suffers a loss in business, they the can decide for themselves to be a non-smoking establishment.

Anyway..

I’m just sitting here thinking about life – life in general – and I can honestly say that it seems everyday provides more “surprises” than I would have ever thought. Frankly, it’s getting a bit old.  I’ve talked about this a few times in the past.  I’m not exactly sure what I thought life would be, but I know that it wasn’t this.

Which again leads me to what I want on my tombstone – if I have one – oh so many years in the future: “It wasn’t what I had expected.”

That will play with the minds of anyone who sees it.

I had a small bit of unexpected joy in my life today.  I got a rare demo copy of an equally rare ambient recording from the early 90’s that was produced by The Orb and Robert Fripp.  The final version of the album became none as FFWD but I have to say that I’m astonished by the demo. In a number of ways I find it to be superior to the final product.

If I remember correctly, 4 albums were expected to be produced but – for some reason – that never happened.  Such a shame.

On another note…

Has anyone had any experience with Ableton Live?

I’m looking for a multi-functional production tool – one that can be used in the studio as well as live/on the fly.  I’ve watched a number of videos/tutorials on the product and it looks like it may fit my needs, but every time I’ve sat down with the software I’ve felt very… well… It almost seems overly complicated.

For example, the second I sat down with ProTools, I felt comfortable and right at home.  Ableton, not so much.

So, does anyone have thoughts or experience with it?  If so, what do you think?

I’m going to try to go back to sleep, I have a feeling that it’s not going to go that well. Frankly, I’m a bit bummed right now.

As a youngster, I had always believed – mistakenly, mind you – that happiness was some end state. That if I worked hard, if I made wise choices, and if I “did things the right way” I would be somehow rewarded. I believe this path was how one gets to the end state of happiness.

Yea, I was wrong on that one.

Life has taught me that happiness, for me, isn’t a title. It’s a state of mind that one needs to determine for themselves. It may be something small, such as enjoying a passing smile with a random stranger, or it may be accomplishing something you never thought possible.

I’m not going to sit here and say that money does not lead to happiness. It does. Anyone who has ever said that has never truly had money. Money leads to opportunity, opportunity leads to fulfilling hopes and dreams, and hopes and dreams can lead to happiness. In my view, the correct statement is that money is not happiness but can help you along the way.

Another aspect of happiness that I have debated with my mother is the source of happiness. Is it external to you, internal to you or a combination thereof? I would like to say a combination. No matter how positive of a person I was, I can guarantee you that I would NOT be happy to go to work every day if my job was to shovel shit. Just wouldn’t happen. However, one needs to be able to generate some form of positive emotion separate from the situation they are in or the conditions they are facing.

So, what is happiness?

More and more I’ve come to believe that happiness is like a string of pearls. It is temporary moments of enjoyment strung together by a thread of inconvenience and difficulty. Is it ideal? No. Recognizing that your next moment of enjoyment may simply be down the road sure helps dealing with the negative once faces in the course of daily activities.

All said and done, no one can tell you what happiness is. You need to determine that on your own. It’s not as easy as one would think, and it’s a continual process, but having an understanding of what happiness means to you will help how you interact with world around you.

Update:

So, as I was writing this I was in a rather poor mood. I had a random encounter with an individual that helped lift my mood. It’s the little things.

“I want life to be effortless, like it was before”

This morning I ran into an acquaintance, one who I had not seen in some time, and we both started talking about what is going on in life, the stress we are facing due to the economy/business climate, and just all around general happiness, when the following comment is made:

“I want life to be effortless, like it was before”

That really got me thinking. For me, life really was effortless before. Everything just seemed to fall into place without any major effort on my part; as a result I didn’t worry about major things… I didn’t fret over when and where life was going, it just would go. I didn’t worry about making a life for myself (or the life I wanted) as it seemed to always play out.

Then something changed.

I have yet to identify what that change was and where it came from, but since that change life is no longer effortless. Everything seems to be a struggle. I am not referring to depression or health issues; rather LIFE in general seems to be a struggle. It almost feels as if I’m fighting the forces of the universe – and I don’t even know I’m doing it.

I just found that comment to hit home.

Chia Obama?!?

As I was sitting around last week with the monkey virus, I happened to see a disturbing commercial…. A “WTF” commercial. The Chia Obama. Just the tone of the commercial seemed to be this odd quasi-patriotic event trying to push the plant spouting Presidential bust as a must have for any true American.

Well, Walgreens doesn’t seem to like the product and pulled it from inventory:

We decided to pull the product because it didn’t fit with our corporate image,” he said in a company statement. “We also didn’t want to be subject to any misinterpretation over the product. People could interpret it through a political viewpoint or other viewpoints and we want to avoid that situation.”

So… is there some hidden political viewpoint that is trying to be pushed or is someone simply trying to make a quick buck?