Oh, yes, I am sleepy today.

No, maybe that does not fully express the anguish I feel from my lack of rest. The lack of sleep from yesterday evening has placed me in a ‘waking coma’ of sorts. Everything seems to be move very, very slowly. At times my eyes take longer to focus, and I swear that sounds seem to be “far off in the distance”.

For some reason I simply could not sleep. Yes, there were a few things on my mind but nothing out of the ordinary, nothing overly stressful but, as usual, the mind would not shut down. This became problematic or… I don’t know… right around 4AM. Immediately upon realizing the time I quickly calculated how much sleep I would have gotten if a fell asleep at that VERY moment.

That was a pipe dream as it didn’t happen.

I seem to remember looking at the clock one last time at 4:4pAM, at which point I believe my body simply waved a little flag and said “Oh, I give up” as the next think I know it was time to wake. Trust me, this whole scenario was highly disappointing and quite a de-motivating way to start the work week – regardless of how short it will be.

What is even more de-motivating than waking up with 3-ish hours of sleep knowing that you face full work day is the fact that, oh no, you cannot run home and nap. No… while napping will mean I run the risk of replaying some scary version of this story the truly de-motivating aspect to this whole maddening sleep story is the fact that, most likely, when it comes time for bed this evening – say it with me – I will not be sleepy.

How messed up is that?

So is life, just have to make the best of it. Today making the best of it means experimenting with scallops wrapped in bacon.

In the end can one really complain about that?

Insomnia is back with me today and after a long day that was very stressful and fill with emotions I had not experience in a long, long time, sleep is exactly what I would want (and need). Even with government approved methods for sleep, no such luck… and the old wives tales don’t work much either.

What I hate about insomnia is the thinking – the constant thinking. I cannot shut my mind down, it just won’t unplug from the matrix (as it were). I sit in bed attempting to fill my mind with black space but one thing, one thought, can get in and cause havoc. For some reason that one thought acts like a “wake cancer” that spreads ideas and thoughts throughout my mind that I end up focusing on. Usually, this will go on for two or three hours.

Just as my mind starts to tune out, and the over saturating thoughts of before are fading into the past, wouldn’t you know it, my eyes pop wide open for one reason …. to ask the question “was I just asleep?”

Ironically, I believe the evening (night) is the best time of my day – that is to say I an a night owl. I am usually wide awake, ready to take on tasks, bake, do something creative, play video games, do work for the office…. however, there isn’t much demand for highly specialized IT architects with and audit management background to be working from home from 12AM to 9AM. But if there was one, I would be ALL over it… and if you know of one, email me!

As with all other things in life, this is part of my life rhythm and how I deal with, and make the best of, will ultimately determine how successful I’ll be with this ‘gift’.

I finally feel a bit caught up from the last few days.  It’s amazing how three days out of the normal routine can really throw things off.

Here we go…

Swine Flu?

Apparently the end of the world is here once again.  This time it’s not the economy, it’s not terrorism, it’s swine flu.  Everyone was worried about Bird Flu, but no… the pigs want to have their way with the world.

What most people don’t pay attention to – and this may be due to the fact that it’s not known outside of WHO all that much – but swine tend to be the major incubators of the new cases of flu in the world as pig easily have the ability to get multiple strains of the flu (bird/human) and then the genetic magic happens.  New versions then emerge.  Since humans and pig (farmers) live in close contact, the flu then easily spreads.

Yea, this may not be the end of the world.  Just to put things in perspective, roughly 240,000 people die world wide from normal flu.  Thus far there are 60 known deaths.  Will that go up?  Who knows…

A mash-up showing cases/suspected cases of the swine flu can be found here.

You a night owl?

I’m a night owl.  I think that I’m sharper, I think I perform better, and I think I am more relaxed later in the evening.  Actually, my peak time of operation is from 11PM to about 4AM.  It’s just the time of the day that works for me.  

Well… 

Turns out that there is evidence that the night owls may have the advantage when it comes to focusing and performance.  Cognitively, the people who are sharper in the evening may be more inclined to more focus than the “early bird” when it comes to every day tasks.

 GM to pull the plug on Pontiac?

News stories are pointing to GM making some major announcements on Monday.  One such announcement is the Pontiac brand, GM “fun” division, is going to get the ax while the company focuses on their core areas in order to complete the turn-around plan.

I have not researched the Pontiac manufacturing costs, nor have I taken steps to see if the division is profitable, but what I find interesting is they are killing off this brand while that had yearly sales of 267K units in 2008.

Why is that interesting to me?

The Pontiac sales numbers are higher than two core brands (Cadillac and Buick).  Cadillac had sales of 161K and Buick had sales of 137K.  Unless Pontiac is just leaking money, it would appear this brand has some value.  I understand that the Cadillac and Buick brands are the “badge” brands, ones that are targeted to specific groups, but simply killing off Pontiac does not appear to make sense on the surface.

Bioshock, the movie, to be put on ice?

This is just a major pisser for me.  

Rumors are abound that Bioshock, the movie after the highly successful PC game, is being put on hold due to financial/budgetary concerns. Universal says it is still committed to the project, but the move is going to remain in an extended period of pre-production.

I loved the game, one of the best I’ve ever played, and I was looking forward to a Gore Verbinski take on this fictional world.

*sigh*

Ok, I’m off!

For 16 years now I’ve had “sleeping issues”.  Up until the last three months I suffered from insomnia on a regular basis. When I would experience a period of insomnia I would obtain, on average, roughly four to five hours of sleep per night. 

And here is the odd thing…I found that I would function better with less sleep.  

My memory would be sharper and I would feel motivated to simply get things done. I seemed to have more energy and would feel happier in life.  Don’t get me wrong, I hated the insomnia. I’m also sure the lack of sleep had the potential to create other health issues but my big issue with insomnia was the laying wide awake, unable to shut off my mind.  

Within the last week I’ve been having sleep quality issues… but not insomnia… quality issues.

I fall asleep but keep waking up randomly during the night. Not for long, just a matter of seconds, but waking up none the less.  I cannot seem to relax my muscles.  I find that my jaw hurts because I’m clenching my teeth during the night.  My shoulders are knotted up.  And so on…  

If one looks at the time that I spent sleeping (say, from the time I would go to bed until the time the next morning) it would tally up to between 6 to 7 hours, yet the quality is absolute crap.  I mean – CRAP.  Within the last week I am simply ALWAYS tired.  At work.  Tired.  At home. Tired. Not sleepy, mind you, tired.  Warn out.  

I’m just warn out in general.  At this point I’d be happy to have insomnia again if I could have a good sleep.

The use of the saying “bane of my existence” has turned into a rather cliché thing, resulting in a phrase that doesn’t seem provide the same impact it once held. The word bane means “A cause of misery or death; an affliction or curse” (source). So, the “bane of my existence” can translate to the curse of my existence or the affliction I face.

Insomnia is the curse I seem to be living with, the affliction I face, and it is a condition that easily can wear one down mentally and physically.

So, what exactly happens?

Let’s says it’s time to go to bed, whatever the time may be. I get into bed and simply lay there… my physical body is craving sleep – my eyes are dry, my ability to think quickly is diminished, and I cannot focus on any given task for a long period of time – unfortunately my mind is racing away. Often times the thoughts are not significant or of importance.

Let me give you an example of what goes through my mind as I lay in bed:

What would life have been like if I didn’t quick playing golf on a regular basis? I wish I could sleep, why did I get the extra bag of M & Ms? God that one time in college was really fun… I wonder if there is life off of planet earth and in what form… what was it like to live in 1874? If I won the lotto today what would I do… oh, wait, that would mean I would have to play the lotto… well then, what if I simply just got an ass load of money, what would I do? If I fall asleep right now I will get 3 hours of sleep. I should have eggs for breakfast. You know, people really should take better care of themselves. Think nothing, damn it. Think of nothing.

The problem is that I have no stressor on my mind. It’s not like I sit thinking about how much I have to do at work, or what I need to take care of around the house. It is simply that I cannot shut down my mind.

So, “bane” is a good way of looking at it. It is my affliction. The odd thing is that I usually have a lot of energy, even with a lack of sleep. I want to avoid long-term health issues, which is why I am taking steps to address the insomnia. Until I find a method that works for me, I’ll be pushing through… and thinking about what would happen if I had an ass load of money.

I would sit there with my eyes wide open, nothing but the dark to keep me company. No matter what I tried my ability to easy my mind was non-existent, my thoughts continued to race for no reason whatsoever.

Did I follow-up on my emails from work? Wow, it would be nice to have sea food right now? I wonder what the next BMW 7 Series will look like. I have to remember to call my aunt to wish her a happy anniversary. I don’t want to be here. Why won’t my mind shut down? What is the weather supposed to be like tomorrow?

Alert and aware of every thought, every emotion, the possibility of getting rest seemed remote so I decided to change my focus. “Let’s get out of bed and watch some TV” I thought to myself in a desperate attempt to find an activity that would allow me some peace of mind. What better than a “pointless” activity?

Tumble out of bed; turn the lights on low, so as to promote the notion of rest, I find myself watching cartoons – nothing intellectually stimulating in the slightest. After roughly an hour, no almost two, I begin to feel the need to sleep weighing on my eyes. Turn off the TV, flick off the lights and walk into the bedroom to put my head down on the pillow.

This time my mind is void of anything meaningful. No thoughts running ramped or dominant emotions trying to make themselves known, just a blank slate. Truly nothing.

I sit there with my eyes wide open, nothing but the dark to keep me company…. And still, I could not sleep.

I dread morning. For whatever unknown reason it always takes me a good hour to actually “get going”. Literally for the first 60 mins, on most work days, I feel as if I am stuck in some haze. When I really do a bit of self evaluation I find there are only a hand few of things that bother me more than waking up, getting ready for the work day, sitting in traffic and making sure I am in the office.

It’s not that I don’t want to go to work, I really do enjoy the individuals I work with, it’s the fact that I have to roll out of bed at 6:30 and deal with my mind – which seems to be stuck in slow motion.

Weekends are different. I can get up around 11, which will give me around 11 hours of sleep and then simply just ease my way into the day, which seems to work better for my body. Maybe that is part of my problem… This may all be linked to a lack of sleep but 7 ½ hours should be enough, shouldn’t it? Maybe if I got more sleep and woke up earlier I could ease into the work day…

Sigh…