I just started my second attempt at a Masters. The first did not end that well for various reasons. I left the University of Chicago’s Computer Science program in the deepest valley of my fight with challenges in life. The reason wasn’t due to what I was facing or what I was dealing with, rather, the program didn’t fulfill my needs.

I did not want to program algorithms to solve world issues, I didn’t want to re-learn discrete mathematics (no matter how fun) simply to utilize the skill set for 6 months. Yes, I could have found a way, I could have pushed through at the cost of roughly $5K per class to say that I obtained my degree from the U of C but I opted not to.

Now that I feel I have life under some sense of control once again, that my focus is on the future and not mere survival, I have decided to go back to school for a Masters degree that follows my passions, my desires and hits at the core of who I am.

I will not be sharing what that is as of yet, however, I will say this. In a matter of a few short days I’ve managed to challenge myself and my beliefs on the subject I am studying in ways that I had never expected. Suddenly the conceptual framework for the subject has shifted, and as a result is providing new avenues of growth.

My undergraduate college career was unfulfilled, mainly because I wasn’t challenged and my focus was on career development, not obtaining a degree. Now that I have found a subject that allows me to experience growth and personal rejuvenation I am starting to understand how the educational system can truly be rewarding for an individual.

As I sit here thinking about life there seems to be a stream of consciousness sensation that I  cannot shake, that does not dissipate…  This overwhelming feeling does not fade into the background much like other pointless but entertaining thoughts on life.

Let me share the sensations and thoughts I am feelings in hopes of striking an emotional chord:

1) What do your dreams forecast?

Do you think of the past or do you think of the future?  If your dreams are based in what you once knew what, exactly, does that say about your current understanding of life? What does that say about your ability cope with your current reality? What does that say about your ability to grow and achieve the things you desire for life?

2) Are you paying attention?

Really.

Are you paying attention?

The world around you is changing at an alarming rate, but are you changing with it?

Are you simply living your life – the comfortable life you know – or are you taking steps to grow as a person? If a sudden and dramatic change was introduced into your world would you know what to do/how to react or would you simply continue to do what is comfortable for you?

3) Are you fulfilled as a person?

Since I asked the question, I should be the first to answer.

Me, no, I am not.

Why?

Because I am not living life to the fullest.

While I am more prepared to do so today than anytime in the last two years, I am still holding emotions and development back because of where I am in life.

Why is that?

Because I do not feel I can/have the ability to do so under my current conditions.

That does not mean I have given up on my hopes of development, on my desire to grow and better those around me, it simply means I have to understand my limits as of this moment. Once I find the opportunity to continue my grown on the scale I feel is required, I will.

What about you?

Will you?

4) If everything you knew was to be shown as false today would you be able to survive tomorrow?

This is a critical question.

While I think the socio-economic conditions facing the United States are down right scary, if not horrific,  I ask this question question due to the general reaction of those around me when faced with such a scenario.

Very few people understand or are willing to accept that the world around them is on the verge of change, dramatic change, unlike any this nation has faced before. If that happened today, if everything you thought you knew about politics and economics was show to be incorrect in a matter of hours, would you be able to understand and cope with that fact?

Take a moment and think about that… If the answer is no you may want to look at your understanding of life, how it fits into the world around you, and how you can survive if it changes with no warning.

5) Do you know who you truly are?

This question has no hidden meaning, no explanation beyond the surface…

Do you know who you are? Do you know how you would react in different situations in life and do you know where you are headed?

If not, why?

That should be enough to get it you thinking.  I hope you enjoy your evening.

Yesterday, August 27th, 2009 was year one of the blogging experiment known as vansantos.com.  During the majority of the time I posted on a daily basis.  The months of July 2009 and August 2009 were slower than what I had previously established but that was due in part of a number of medical issues I faced.  I simply didn’t have the energy or focus to blog on a consistent period during that time.

Regardless of how much I may or may not have posted, I was very impressed – no, honored – to see 76,555 people came to read over 300,000 pages on the site during that time.  I never expected such numbers, and I didn’t really have a goal. I was simply tracking my thoughts and how they are changing over time.  I’m glad to see there are a number of people out there who share some of the interests that I do.

The three stories that obtained the most attention over the last year are:

Pixar, you’re a class act – Fills dying wish to see UP 3000 views (30K in page views)

Up To 15 UK Retal Chains Expected To Go Bankrupt (23K PV)

The Orb – Blue Room (Coco Da Bank Remix) (12.5K PV)

That is all well and nice for the story but what about me, what did I learn and how did I grown over this period of time?

Amazingly, I’ve found much I can depend on my friends and family. My sense of “go it alone” is somewhat past due to the understanding that I don’t to through life alone. OH, and friends do not have to next door to me… they can be in SC, NJ, UK or CA.

The medical issues I’ve had to live with made me understand that I am not the person I used to be… or even more… I may not even be aware of who I am today. What comes next in the process it to take what I don’t know and transform it into what I want to  know, what I want to believe in.

Finally, the last year has all pointed to the development of my next phase in life.  I have an idea, one I’ve played over in my mind consistently – such as finishing my masters – and than making a switch to a career and lifestyle that is more in tune with who I am and what I want the rest of my life to be like.  The plan is in motion and I will blog about it when the time is right.

The year of consistent blogging has a tool that focuses me in both the best times and the difficulty times. Based off of what I’ve experienced, what I’ve felt, those I’ve met and the lives I’ve had a chance to influence – both mind and others – there is no way I can stop now.

Thanks for going along on the ride with me.

My grandfather was an a member of “The Greatest Generation”. A principled man who, despite a number of shortcomings, always managed to do the right thing – even in the face of his mortality.

Age, experience and his “stay the hell out of my way” personality help him accumulate bits of wisdom and knowledge over time, knowledge he was going to dispense regardless of what you wanted to hear. One comment he consistently utilized was “you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family.”

In the days of my youth those were simply empty words.  I never believed in that saying.

If your sister did something so disturbing, so bothersome, that an intense anger grew to a borderline hatred you could just stop talking to her. Sure, you didn’t pick her to originally be in the family but you sure as hell picked her not to be in your family moving forward.

Age, experience and my own “trailblazer” personality finally helped me understand what my grandfather was trying to say.

This isn’t about who you’ve chosen as your friends, nor is it’s about the woman happens to be your sister.  No. My grandfather, I believe, was saying you cannot pick who is going to care for you.

He was saying that you can have friendships you’ve cultivated over time, and you have your sister that has known you from birth, but you cannot determine who is going to love you, care for you and unconditionally support you.

You can pick who you love but you cannot pick who loves you.

I may simply be looking back on my grandfather with a fond nostalgia. Maybe he was just a cranky old man who happened to “do the right thing” by chance, not choice.  Maybe his bit of wisdom was a way to rationalize a lifetime of stress, and maybe he was just saying “shut up and don’t argue with your sister at the kitchen table”.

With the lack of any solid evidence of him being a whack job, I’ll stick with the belief that he was a principled, wise man who was trying to educate the those around him.  Also, I will continue to be grateful for all of those who love and support me, regardless of how they’ve come into my life… because, remember, you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family.

Rather hard for me to believe but I’ve hit 32 years old.  I still can recall all of five years ago, just starting at the company I’m currently employed with.  Everything seemed new, everything seemed possible.

How times have changed.

Now everything still seems possible, I just don’t care about the possible.  I care about the probable. I guess, looking over the last five years, what catches me off guard is how significantly my perception of life and my reality has shifted. Again, everything seemed possible.  I was full of hope and motivation.  Now, I’m just happy to be… well.. just happy to be.

Before I was concerned about making a career for myself.  I honestly can’t say that is a goal of mine any longer. Eventually, I want to move to something that keeps me happy and provides a paycheck.  Not simply providing a paycheck.

Along the way in life I’ve made a number of friends, a number of really good friends.   All of these people have provided me with guidance, direction, support… all have extended their friendship to me without expecting anything in return.  I appreciate what they’ve given me and what they continue to give me.

But hitting 32 really has made me look at my quality of life.  From a health perspective, things have become rather “poor” for me.  In part I’ve let this happen. For example, I stopped running my 7 to 10 miles a day, as a result, I’m out of shape.  Other things; however, I’ve had absolutely no control over.  I’ve simply grabbed on for the ride and let life take me where it’s going to take me.

The next question I have to ask myself – seriously ask myself – is where do I go from here.

While I’ve started to ask that very question over the last 8 months, it is becoming more and more self evident that I need to look to the future. What is it I want to do in life, what do I wish to accomplish, and what do I really hope to get from the experience. I am no longer asking what is it I want to get but what is it I want to experience, what is it I want to do.  Before it was about the end goal, now it’s about moving along the path.

I’m going to make the assumption that 5 years from now my desires and goals will not be the same as they are today. When that time comes I’ll go through the same experience and determine what is next for me.  The real question is what steps will I take to get there and what will be the major influences along with way?

So, to wrap up this moment of introspection.  Thanks to all of my friends that support me, thanks to the family that loves me, and above all, I am most thank for for the experience – be it difficult or easy. In the end, that is the only thing we are all left with.

As a youngster, I had always believed – mistakenly, mind you – that happiness was some end state. That if I worked hard, if I made wise choices, and if I “did things the right way” I would be somehow rewarded. I believe this path was how one gets to the end state of happiness.

Yea, I was wrong on that one.

Life has taught me that happiness, for me, isn’t a title. It’s a state of mind that one needs to determine for themselves. It may be something small, such as enjoying a passing smile with a random stranger, or it may be accomplishing something you never thought possible.

I’m not going to sit here and say that money does not lead to happiness. It does. Anyone who has ever said that has never truly had money. Money leads to opportunity, opportunity leads to fulfilling hopes and dreams, and hopes and dreams can lead to happiness. In my view, the correct statement is that money is not happiness but can help you along the way.

Another aspect of happiness that I have debated with my mother is the source of happiness. Is it external to you, internal to you or a combination thereof? I would like to say a combination. No matter how positive of a person I was, I can guarantee you that I would NOT be happy to go to work every day if my job was to shovel shit. Just wouldn’t happen. However, one needs to be able to generate some form of positive emotion separate from the situation they are in or the conditions they are facing.

So, what is happiness?

More and more I’ve come to believe that happiness is like a string of pearls. It is temporary moments of enjoyment strung together by a thread of inconvenience and difficulty. Is it ideal? No. Recognizing that your next moment of enjoyment may simply be down the road sure helps dealing with the negative once faces in the course of daily activities.

All said and done, no one can tell you what happiness is. You need to determine that on your own. It’s not as easy as one would think, and it’s a continual process, but having an understanding of what happiness means to you will help how you interact with world around you.

Update:

So, as I was writing this I was in a rather poor mood. I had a random encounter with an individual that helped lift my mood. It’s the little things.

Snack Food

Oh! I have a new favorite little snack – Trader Joe’s Chocolate Chip chewy coated granola bars.

I had feared that these little snacks would be too sweet, too sugary, but they are not. If you happen to be around a Trader Joe’s near you PICK SOME UP.

Still Not Over the Sick thing

I thought I was on my way to recovery, but no. This morning again woke up with the sore throat renewed. This time again on the right side. However, I think the sickness is progressing… I’m now “stuffed up”…

I was planning on doing dinner…

I had planned on doing Pesto (home made pesto) Chicken Stuffed with Cheese over Linguine with fresh veggies BUT I simply was wasted today.

First off, I had a horrible night sleep. Better yet, I could not sleep.

There is this very weird thing going on with me…. my arms and legs get this achy feeling, not like sick achy, like “I need to stretch achy” but I could never fully stretch out. This only happen in the evening and it drives me nuts as it begins to hurt after a period of time.

I didn’t fall asleep until around 7AM this morning…

The dinner will have to wait until tomorrow – The post will end up on yeswecook.com

My Musical Voice

For some time I’ve been unable to really find my musical voice. It’s like that creative side of me is lost… There was one track I did back in December that I like, that really had a lot of potential, but the voice seemed to dissipate after that.

When I record I do each track individually, build on, then layer. Some time back I found said approach would work for me. I thought, maybe, this was adding to my lack of musical voice so I’ve decided to switch it up once again.

I’ve gone back to composing the entire song at one time, then record each track, then master. Almost immediately the ideas started pouring in. It will be interesting to see what comes out next…

For about a week now I’ve had a bit of a sore throat. It was nothing too bad, more of a feeling that I would get every once and awhile than a full blow sickness. Well, today I believe my condition decided to go full blow “flu” on me.

My right ear is killing me, as is the right side of my throat. My back hurts… it almost feels like someone with boots decided to walk all over me… and I have little energy. This is NOT what I was looking for today as I had a number of things I wanted to take car of.

I’ll be dialing into my meetings and taking care of work related items but I’m nowhere near top performance today.

This past week…

I cannot express to you just how happy I am now the week has come to an end. 

In no way do I mean to give the impression the week was bad, for the most part it was rather positive, there was just something that seemed to emotionally drain me as the week progressed.  I attempted to isolate what, exactly, could have been the driving factor… but no luck.

Interestingly enough, the more wiped out I felt the more introspective I became.  Not in the “oh my god, my life is a waste” way, rather in a “this is how far I’ve come… this is what I have available to me… where is it I wish to go?  With the good and bad I have and experience, what is it I wish to make my life?” kinda way.

I’m not sure but I have a feeling the next month or so will be very interesting from a life/personal growth perspective.

Old friends…

One interesting event took place this week – I ran into an OLD friend that I had not seen in roughly 11 years.

Life pushed us apart, not that it was a bad thing, it simply was.  We both ended up following different paths, we both grew in different directions, but life ended up bringing us back together.  

At first the mood was a bit awkward. Well… maybe more like we were not sure what to say to each other.  After a few moments; however, it was as if we had never stopped talking.  We started talking about how we got to where we are today, about past interests, just about life all around…

And it was good.

He made a comment about neither of us changed all that much.  That stuck with me as there are parts of me today that still persist from years past, but there is plenty that has changed since the days of old.  We are planning on meeting up within the next two weeks to catch up, it should be a good time.  I look forward to sharing how I have changed… most of which I suspect will surprise him.

I also got a phone call from a friend I haven’t spoken with in a few months.  He is one busy world traveler and usually is short on time.  While we did not have the chance to speak on the phone, I do hope I have the opportunity to this weekend (we are planning on it).  

He is an individual I respect greatly, a friend who has been with me and provided guidance in some of the hardest of times, and I cannot wait to hear how his job and life are playing out – especially as he works with a major finance company.

Time for a new purchase….

As I had mentioned last week, it’s about time for a new car.  My current one is coming off lease, and as such, I believe there are a number of other values on the market I can utilize.  As last Friday showed me, my loyalty to BMW will continue as my needs AND wants in a vehicle can be matched by only a few other makers.

Please do not assume that BMW automatically means expensive.  Yes, the cars do cost more – brand new – but a certified pre-owned vehicle can be had for the cost of a NEW domestic (or Japaneses brand) while equaled or superior quality.

Translation…bargains are a foot.

And finally…

This weekend will see a number of postings over at yeswecook.com

Saturday evening will see the posting of and old childhood favorite – “Mom’s Old Fashion Stew”.  I also hope to get a batch of muffins out as well. Sunday will bring Hummus and Mediterranean Chicken. 

It should be fun!

Let me take you down memory lane.  Roughly 15 years ago, my parents had an open house to celebrate the completion of their newly built home.  A large event attended by extended family and close friends stands out in my memory, not because of the celebration and joy that potentially comes with a new home, but with a short exchange my father and I had.

Toward the end of the evening a debt regarding life choices started – the things people have done, the choices they’ve made, the career paths they’ve chosen – and I boldly state the expectations for life, as well as my desires for life.  No sooner than the last words roll off my tongue, my father turns to me as says the following:

Be careful, you could end up like me.

Being the cocksure, strong minded, nothing is going to stop me from achieving the life I want individual of the time I respond in kind (or what I saw as an appropriate response at the time):

I will never end up like you.

My comment was not a criticism, I simply did not envision my life to turn out in the same manner that his did.  From life choices to career choices, I simply could not picture it happening.

As time has passed, and I look at my life, I can officially say that his comment was spot on – if not slightly prophetic.  I’m not imply my career decisions matched his, nor am I saying he is unhappy with how his life was lived up until this point.  No. What I believe my father was telling me at that time, so many years ago, was that I had the potential to wake up one day surprised by how life unfolded.

Looking back, I believe he was trying to say that life is a journey and that I may be surprised as to where I find myself during my journey. My inexperience limited my understanding of “you could end up like me” to only financial or material matters.

Aide from him being right, which I do now believe, ending up like my father is not a bad thing at all.  He’s an incredible man, a man who I couldn’t truly appreciate until I experienced some of the ups and downs life has to offer.