Oh, yes, I am sleepy today.

No, maybe that does not fully express the anguish I feel from my lack of rest. The lack of sleep from yesterday evening has placed me in a ‘waking coma’ of sorts. Everything seems to be move very, very slowly. At times my eyes take longer to focus, and I swear that sounds seem to be “far off in the distance”.

For some reason I simply could not sleep. Yes, there were a few things on my mind but nothing out of the ordinary, nothing overly stressful but, as usual, the mind would not shut down. This became problematic or… I don’t know… right around 4AM. Immediately upon realizing the time I quickly calculated how much sleep I would have gotten if a fell asleep at that VERY moment.

That was a pipe dream as it didn’t happen.

I seem to remember looking at the clock one last time at 4:4pAM, at which point I believe my body simply waved a little flag and said “Oh, I give up” as the next think I know it was time to wake. Trust me, this whole scenario was highly disappointing and quite a de-motivating way to start the work week – regardless of how short it will be.

What is even more de-motivating than waking up with 3-ish hours of sleep knowing that you face full work day is the fact that, oh no, you cannot run home and nap. No… while napping will mean I run the risk of replaying some scary version of this story the truly de-motivating aspect to this whole maddening sleep story is the fact that, most likely, when it comes time for bed this evening – say it with me – I will not be sleepy.

How messed up is that?

So is life, just have to make the best of it. Today making the best of it means experimenting with scallops wrapped in bacon.

In the end can one really complain about that?

Insomnia is back with me today and after a long day that was very stressful and fill with emotions I had not experience in a long, long time, sleep is exactly what I would want (and need). Even with government approved methods for sleep, no such luck… and the old wives tales don’t work much either.

What I hate about insomnia is the thinking – the constant thinking. I cannot shut my mind down, it just won’t unplug from the matrix (as it were). I sit in bed attempting to fill my mind with black space but one thing, one thought, can get in and cause havoc. For some reason that one thought acts like a “wake cancer” that spreads ideas and thoughts throughout my mind that I end up focusing on. Usually, this will go on for two or three hours.

Just as my mind starts to tune out, and the over saturating thoughts of before are fading into the past, wouldn’t you know it, my eyes pop wide open for one reason …. to ask the question “was I just asleep?”

Ironically, I believe the evening (night) is the best time of my day – that is to say I an a night owl. I am usually wide awake, ready to take on tasks, bake, do something creative, play video games, do work for the office…. however, there isn’t much demand for highly specialized IT architects with and audit management background to be working from home from 12AM to 9AM. But if there was one, I would be ALL over it… and if you know of one, email me!

As with all other things in life, this is part of my life rhythm and how I deal with, and make the best of, will ultimately determine how successful I’ll be with this ‘gift’.

For 16 years now I’ve had “sleeping issues”.  Up until the last three months I suffered from insomnia on a regular basis. When I would experience a period of insomnia I would obtain, on average, roughly four to five hours of sleep per night. 

And here is the odd thing…I found that I would function better with less sleep.  

My memory would be sharper and I would feel motivated to simply get things done. I seemed to have more energy and would feel happier in life.  Don’t get me wrong, I hated the insomnia. I’m also sure the lack of sleep had the potential to create other health issues but my big issue with insomnia was the laying wide awake, unable to shut off my mind.  

Within the last week I’ve been having sleep quality issues… but not insomnia… quality issues.

I fall asleep but keep waking up randomly during the night. Not for long, just a matter of seconds, but waking up none the less.  I cannot seem to relax my muscles.  I find that my jaw hurts because I’m clenching my teeth during the night.  My shoulders are knotted up.  And so on…  

If one looks at the time that I spent sleeping (say, from the time I would go to bed until the time the next morning) it would tally up to between 6 to 7 hours, yet the quality is absolute crap.  I mean – CRAP.  Within the last week I am simply ALWAYS tired.  At work.  Tired.  At home. Tired. Not sleepy, mind you, tired.  Warn out.  

I’m just warn out in general.  At this point I’d be happy to have insomnia again if I could have a good sleep.

It seems that humanity has constantly searched for a cure to all their ills in chemical form. If you happened to be a woman back in the 1870 and had cramps why don’t you take yourself some opium to get rid of that pain. Back in the late 60’s / early 70’s if you were having problems in your relationship, and in some cases depression, you may have been given ecstasy (yes, you read that correctly). Can’t sleep these days… easy, take Lunesta or Ambien.

Please note – I am not comparing modern day sleep meds and their effects to opium. Just going to show how doctors have treated problems chemically over time. I also have no issue with medical professionals using medication to treat issues. In doing so they must weight the risk of the long term effects but, hey, if it works for you – great. Sometimes people simply need to do what works for them.

News came out today that a new drug appears to have the ability to mimics the effect of melatonin, and can reset the body’s circadian rhythms in as little as one application. Tasimelteon, the new medication, also allegedly has no potential for addiction or abuse.

If such a medication was available, individuals with sleeping disorders (or suffering from Jet Lag) may be able to find relief from their insomnia. Mind you, not cure, simply aide.

While this sounds all well and good, pharmalot.com points out the following:

The study, which was designed and funded by Vanda Pharmaceuticals, which developed the drug, involved a rather small group of patients and researchers were unable to measure performance and mood after the drug was used. All of the researchers, the Times notes, reported receiving funds from Vanda or other drugmakers.

Not only that, a Pharmalot.com commenter points out:

This story seems incomplete without mentioning that tasimelteon is nothing more than a “me too” version of the commercially available ramelteon. At the very least it would be appropriate to have a clarifying statement that this compound is not even close to a novel drug, and perhaps that ramelteon, as well as the dietary supplement melatonin have similar caliber data for helping with jet lag.

Hmmm… makes one wonder if the press may be jumping the gun a bit here. It sounds like Vanda may, potentially, have a marketable product that is years away from actually being applied in practice and is trying to create a bit of press for themselves.

So, in the mean time, I will keep hoping for that magic pill that cures all but still live with the reality that I may simply always suffer from sleep issues.

I would sit there with my eyes wide open, nothing but the dark to keep me company. No matter what I tried my ability to easy my mind was non-existent, my thoughts continued to race for no reason whatsoever.

Did I follow-up on my emails from work? Wow, it would be nice to have sea food right now? I wonder what the next BMW 7 Series will look like. I have to remember to call my aunt to wish her a happy anniversary. I don’t want to be here. Why won’t my mind shut down? What is the weather supposed to be like tomorrow?

Alert and aware of every thought, every emotion, the possibility of getting rest seemed remote so I decided to change my focus. “Let’s get out of bed and watch some TV” I thought to myself in a desperate attempt to find an activity that would allow me some peace of mind. What better than a “pointless” activity?

Tumble out of bed; turn the lights on low, so as to promote the notion of rest, I find myself watching cartoons – nothing intellectually stimulating in the slightest. After roughly an hour, no almost two, I begin to feel the need to sleep weighing on my eyes. Turn off the TV, flick off the lights and walk into the bedroom to put my head down on the pillow.

This time my mind is void of anything meaningful. No thoughts running ramped or dominant emotions trying to make themselves known, just a blank slate. Truly nothing.

I sit there with my eyes wide open, nothing but the dark to keep me company…. And still, I could not sleep.