This past week…

I cannot express to you just how happy I am now the week has come to an end. 

In no way do I mean to give the impression the week was bad, for the most part it was rather positive, there was just something that seemed to emotionally drain me as the week progressed.  I attempted to isolate what, exactly, could have been the driving factor… but no luck.

Interestingly enough, the more wiped out I felt the more introspective I became.  Not in the “oh my god, my life is a waste” way, rather in a “this is how far I’ve come… this is what I have available to me… where is it I wish to go?  With the good and bad I have and experience, what is it I wish to make my life?” kinda way.

I’m not sure but I have a feeling the next month or so will be very interesting from a life/personal growth perspective.

Old friends…

One interesting event took place this week – I ran into an OLD friend that I had not seen in roughly 11 years.

Life pushed us apart, not that it was a bad thing, it simply was.  We both ended up following different paths, we both grew in different directions, but life ended up bringing us back together.  

At first the mood was a bit awkward. Well… maybe more like we were not sure what to say to each other.  After a few moments; however, it was as if we had never stopped talking.  We started talking about how we got to where we are today, about past interests, just about life all around…

And it was good.

He made a comment about neither of us changed all that much.  That stuck with me as there are parts of me today that still persist from years past, but there is plenty that has changed since the days of old.  We are planning on meeting up within the next two weeks to catch up, it should be a good time.  I look forward to sharing how I have changed… most of which I suspect will surprise him.

I also got a phone call from a friend I haven’t spoken with in a few months.  He is one busy world traveler and usually is short on time.  While we did not have the chance to speak on the phone, I do hope I have the opportunity to this weekend (we are planning on it).  

He is an individual I respect greatly, a friend who has been with me and provided guidance in some of the hardest of times, and I cannot wait to hear how his job and life are playing out – especially as he works with a major finance company.

Time for a new purchase….

As I had mentioned last week, it’s about time for a new car.  My current one is coming off lease, and as such, I believe there are a number of other values on the market I can utilize.  As last Friday showed me, my loyalty to BMW will continue as my needs AND wants in a vehicle can be matched by only a few other makers.

Please do not assume that BMW automatically means expensive.  Yes, the cars do cost more – brand new – but a certified pre-owned vehicle can be had for the cost of a NEW domestic (or Japaneses brand) while equaled or superior quality.

Translation…bargains are a foot.

And finally…

This weekend will see a number of postings over at yeswecook.com

Saturday evening will see the posting of and old childhood favorite – “Mom’s Old Fashion Stew”.  I also hope to get a batch of muffins out as well. Sunday will bring Hummus and Mediterranean Chicken. 

It should be fun!

The topic that I am continually asking myself, focusing segment of my subconscious mind on, is what do I want from life. For the last three weeks this this question has been ringing more and more in my mind. It is a daunting task, and not an answer that I expect will simply just come into mind – I don’t expect there to be an “ah ha” moment where everything falls into place and I simply just “know”, but I do seem to have the ability to clearly see the questions/options more today than I have been able to in a few months.

When looking at the question I am really asking a few things… what do I want from a career, what do I want from my friends, do I want to take certain paths in life (Executive Management, being a parent, where do live), and what can I expect from my life on a day to day basis. Today I had two things remind me of this question – talking with Friends and watching reruns of the TV show Scrubs.

First off, talking with my friends reminded me how special they are to me. See, part of my “problem” with friends is age. The majority of my friends are significantly older than I am, which makes it very, very hard to plans things with them. The last thing someone wants to do is go out to dinner if they haven’t been with the family for 12 hours. I get that, but it’s true. Not only the age, a number of them travel on a weekly basis, so now it’s a matter of purely finding time in the schedule (after their work, after their family and after their own relaxing time).

So, what do I want from my friendships?

Not much, really. Simply talking to someone once every other week or so would work for me…. get a good laugh in, share some thoughts on life. You know, simply have friendships that allow me to let part of my creative/critical thinking side of me come out. I need to work on this aspect of my life.

What about a career… what do I need and desire in this aspect of life?

I’m 31 years old and I’ve been working in IT (one form or another) for 11 years now, but what do I have to show for it? Actually, a lot. I am cognizant of the fact that my path in life has provided me with a lifestyle that is above average (no, I am not saying rich) and a career path that potentially allows me to become an executive in a company in the future, but is that what I want? I’m not sure – yet.

I understand there is a large amount of experience and that I need to gain, both personally and professionally, in order to obtain that path in life. In many ways obtaining those traits and skills would simply help me become a better person regardless of my career choices…. but I am on the “path” as of right now if I desire that lifestyle.

Knowing my advantages, if you will, I still wake up every day and think to myself “is this the course in life that I wish to take”. A large part of me wants to sake everything up, start anew. A large part of me thinks that my natural rhythm does not fit into the 9 to 5 lifestyle. At one time in the past I would have easily said I would be running my own business, but even that doesn’t seem natural to me any longer. Basically, a large part of me is saying no, this isn’t what I desire.

If it is not what I desire, what is? That is what I am continually asking… continually thinking about….and one question that I am not closer to at this point.

I have more introspection to hash out, but it won’t be this evening. It’s time for me to call it an evening. Tomorrow I’ll get to my thoughts on Do I want to be a parent/where do I want to live, and I’ll tie in how Scrubs triggered these thoughts….

Until then.

I know there are a number of phrases in life that are significantly worse than hearing “I am worried about you”, things I really wouldn’t want to hear, such as…

• You have lymphoma
• Funny, you kiss just like you dad
• Your family, including your dog, died in a horrific corn refinery accident
• The company you put your life savings just went bankrupt
• That wasn’t a woman, you fool

Having someone say “I am worried about you” is a beautiful thing, really. It is a good indication that someone, be it a casual acquaintance or close friend, cares for you and your well-being. It’s a small way of having someone tell you that you are not alone in the world, even though you may feel like it. That said I still don’t like hearing it…

Why?

It’s not because my inflated ego can’t admit that there is something wrong, nor is it due to the fact that I don’t like someone else pointing out my flaws (if done in a constructive manner). Sad to say, but it’s simply because I already know there is something wrong… I don’t need to be reminded.

I know a person is making the comment because of genuine concern – unless it’s a random person trying to make small talk, which would just be weird – but it doesn’t really help the situation.

I guess this all comes back to asking for help…

A number of people have issues asking for help when they need it. Be it overwhelmed with work, having a hard time emotionally, unsure of how to deal with their children… people, I have found, seem to see asking for help as a weakness.

It’s not.

You need help, ask for it. You want advice, ask for it. You are unsure how to move forward with an issue, seek guidance. There is no shame in turning to others when you need assistance. So, I believe it bothers me because if I needed help (or wanted help) I would ask for it, even though it was hard.

Like I said, it’s a beautiful thing to have someone care for you, but I guess, really, one needs to be cared for in a way that is specific to them and their needs…