For the last week I had the strong desire to write (and write, and write) about depression and a number of things that I am going through. The posts range from introspection on who I am and where my life is going to the emotion and sensations I have been dealing with over the last few days. Each time I attempt to write, each time I sit down and put thought to paper (or Office) I simply cannot express myself properly.

The writing process starts relativity well. I begin to structure my post based on the main themes I want to touch on, I find the word that accurately describe the sensation I feel that then… it all falls apart. I cannot continue. I find my mind ends up being flooded by every single topic I want to express in regards to depression or anxiety. My structured post, the one I just established a solid framework for only moments earlier, quickly becomes an aimless mess of incomplete thoughts and disjointed views on my experience.

It almost looks like a really bad mental health MadLib.

What I find funny about my lack of ability to write about my current condition is that this is what I feel like in other aspects of my life.  I feel as if I have little to no ability to focus… I feel that my thoughts simply overwhelm me… I feel lost, adrift.  

I am not sure why this is taking place, and I have no clue as to how long it will last, but I am finding it very frustrating.

Beyond Meds and invincible summers both had this video up yesterday, and it raises some very good questions in my mind.

This video is of Dr. Peter Breggin, an American psychiatrist and author, who argues that the side effects of psychiatric medications usually outweigh the potential benefit the medications can provide. Obviously, his views go against the mainstream and can be seen as controversial by some.

Take a look…

Right off the bat, here are the questions that come to mind…

1. How do doctors say a person has a “chemical imbalance” if there is no way to test/measure for it before taking a medication?
2. Animal testing shows that drugs can change the brain chemistry, who is to say that the new chemistry is “right”?
3. Is depression, or “feeling hopeless about life”, simply a psychological or spiritual issue?
4. Do people who come off of antidepressants feel bad because off the depression or because of withdrawal because of the medication?
5. Can depression simply be solved by “finding the courage” to live?

As I see it, “depression”, just like any other behavior, is primarily caused by thoughts, by a person’s mind(set), which in it’s turn again is the result of this person’s life experience and conditioning.

Now. the question is whether you are your thoughts, or your mind, i.e. whether you are what the world has made you be. Or whether the true you maybe is something completely different from and far beyond that.

As I sit here watching “No Country For Old Men” I started thinking about the happiest times in my life.  The twisted nature of movie got me thinking about happiness for some reason.  Actually, the reason I started thinking about happiness is due to Josh Brolin’s character.  He is running from individuals who want to kill him because he has “their” money, and he thinks that once he finally can escape – once he can put it behind him – he and his wife can life the life they want.

What he doesn’t seem to understand is that he will always be running because of the money.  He will always be looking over his shoulder because of his past actions, fearing that they will catch up with him at any moment.

When I had this realization, it got me thinking that the characters, while having a hard life, were unaware how happy they actually were before their life got “complicated”.  Weird for me to make that connection – intent of the directors or otherwise?  Yes, I would say so.

Anyway, this really started me down a path of introspection – when was I the happiest in my life?

I know this has the potential to be a rather existential question but, it is an honest one.  When was I the happiest in life. All things being equal, I would have to say that it was 1996 to 2002.  Was life easy during that time?  No.  I was in college and I didn’t want to be there.  I didn’t have a lot of money or possessions, but I did have what I needed.  This was in part because of my part-time job and because of my parents.  Did I have depression? No. Was I doing what I wanted in life? No.

All that aside, that is when I was truly happy.  That is when I was “me” at the core and I had no questions, no hesitation, about who I am and what I wanted from life.  

From 2002 to 2005 life was “just there”, and in many regards I was numb.  It is almost as if I woke up one day and I was 27 years old, unsure of where my life had gone. 

In 2005, roughly October of that year, life started slowly going down hill for me. Looking back at it now, I realize the trigger – not the cause – was due to the situation I was in at work.  Overall, it was very unhealthy for me and for the team I was on.  All of us were under an extreme amount of stress due to conditions and situations beyond our control, and sure, we could have decided to change our situation but we were all typical “Type A”, take the world by the balls, but we hung in there because that is what you do – you do not admit defeat and you push through until something better comes along.

Something changed in me during this time, I was unaware of it until I started look at how my life has been playing out since then.

The beginning of 2008 started off magically (Jan to May) – I was happy, I had all that I could ask for in a relationship and in a job but I wasn’t truly happy with how I was.  Then the depression kicked.  My emotions amplified under the pressure and the next thing I know I feel as if life is completely out of my control.  Work was falling apart on many levels (I wasn’t performing they way I wanted to), my relationship was suffering under the undue stress from my condition, my family was put at a distance because I didn’t want to interact with them…  

Even thought the world can easily look at my situation (the job, the family, the relationship, the condo) and say I am living the dream, I have everything going for me, they are not living in my situation.  I am. Do I think that it is possible for me to find the inner happiness I once had?  Yes.  Do I think it will be easy?  No. The only thing that I am sure of is that major changes to my life will need to take place in order to make it happen.

Back in 2005, when I was in a rough situation at work, I was wrong. Even though I survived the situation, I was defeated…. I just didn’t know it at the time.  While I have not truly experience inner happiness in years, I am finally understanding why – I continue to live life operating as if I am the “old” me.

So, how did the Holiday season go for me?  Not too bad…

Monday and Tuesday were good days, up until Tuesday evening.  No clue as to why or what happened, but the emotions just set in – I felt the exact moment it happened too. With the understanding that I was funk-bound, I simply went with it.  

For most of Christmas Eve (Family Event #2) I was tense but not in total personal collapse. I managed to keep myself “in the moment” but it was damn hard.  Really damn hard, actually.  The holiday triggers were all around me, it was almost as if I was being tempted into just going over to the dark side, but I didn’t.  I would like to say I truly enjoyed myself Christmas eve, but I can’t say that to be the case – my focus was on simply making sure I didn’t slide into a bad place.

When I went to be bed on Christmas Eve, however, it was pure hell.  Maybe it was the act trying to stay focused, trying to fight the emotions during the day, but when my head hit the pillow my mind was flooded with agony.  The emotions and sensations that rushed into my head were so intense that I was amazing I made it through the night.  Yes, obviously, I did not sleep that well.  

For being tired, and now starting to really feel under the weather (Oh, I have a semi-sore throat) Christmas Day (family events 3 and 4) was not bad, and for the first time this entire holiday season I could truthfully say I enjoyed myself. Yes, there was tension where I was trying to keep myself in check, but I have the ability to say I did find enjoyment with what what I was doing and who I was with.  

I turned to my self-developed sanity checklist a number of times.  Most times without those around me knowing I was doing so, as I want to keep the impact on their lives as minimal as possible, but it did help.  I also continue to develop my “want/need” list for my life… which is really difficult as I am now, truly, facing a new reality of life.  I expect that I will finish that by the end of next week.

You should try it sometime….

The last two days have been surprisingly good.   It almost feels like I have been my “normal” self during this time.  It really started on Saturday evening when I was able, for the most part, to deal with the emotions I was feeling during the first family holiday gathering.  It’s not that I did a fantastic job, but I managed better than I had expected.  Sunday had it’s ups and downs but I still was able to push through. After taking a time out for myself, it seemed as if things magically got better. Then comes Monday morning…

When I woke up Monday I simply felt “me” and the sensation continued on until Tuesday evening.  I didn’t question it, I didn’t think to myself about how long it may last, nor did I think that I would simply slip back into any funk… I was simply enjoying myself and enjoy the company of those around me.  I was genuinely content with myself and with life at that very moment. That sensation went on until 10:50 pm Tuesday evening.  

It was exactly at that moment I felt the funk coming back on – and there was not a damn thing I could do to prevent it.  The enjoyment was simply gone, replaced by some general sensation of “suck”.  It wasn’t purely a state of mind either, I could physically feel the tension ripple through my body.

Over the last week or so I have be involved in a personal exercise – a personal want list for my life.  As was pointed out to me by a reader, and by a major stressful event, I may no longer be the person who I once was.  Part of recognizing that fact is trying to understand who I am today and where I want to go.  I decided a “what I want from life” list would be one of the best ways to help focus my attention but part of the problem is that I quickly had two lists – what I want and what I need.  Often times it seems as if those two lists are at odds with each other.

So, as I was enjoying the last two days I reread my list(s) to see how much the change when my mood actually changes.  Turns out not too much… and that is what actually scares me.  

What I thought my life would be, and what I wanted my life to be, has changed significantly over the last 5 years… 3 years… hell, actually over the last 6 months.  What scares me, however, is how significant the gap is between what I want/need and the life I currently live actually is.  If I do take steps to implement this “new life” it may mean a significant change in the way I live from day to day.

Ultimately, I need to be in a position where the change in moods have a minimal impact on my surroundings. The want/need list is helping me understand some of the changes that may be needed, but what else is to come?

Maybe this feeling will be gone today, and I will feel the way I did the last two days…  Here is to being positive.

Last evening was the first holiday event with the entire family.  It’s wasn’t a Christmas thing, it was simply everyone getting together to enjoy each others company.  

At first, I was worried that it wasn’t going to take place – while cooking, the sister-in-law ended up cutting her finger.  Yes, a trip to the emergency room took place.  Her husband, who did most of the cooking, ended up finishing the meal while she was at the hospital.  I was quite concerned that it was going to be called off that that point, but it turns out she was OK and she joined the fun about 20 minutes after dinner started.

The dinner consisted of beef, chicken, scalloped potatoes and veggies, all of which was truly outstanding. Oh, yes, and there was a Chocolate Whiskey cake that was strong on the Whiskey (in a good way). I wish I had the ability to cook as well as the brother-in-law.  Yes, it’s a matter of practice and desire, but still…. I could wish.

Having a bad week, I was rather worried about the first family holiday event.  I didn’t know if the depression was going to simply decide to jump in at any moment and cause a physical sensation that I could not control.  I was ready to implement my 4 steps for avoiding depression, but I didn’t have to – which made me quite happy.

There are 4 times during the whole event where I almost slipped into an episode, but I managed not to. During these times I had a sensation of anxiety and anger, not so much depression.  I know the feelings stem from my depression, but the sensation wasn’t “depression” as I know it.  I did my best to hide the emotions, I’m sure I didn’t do that way, but I was trying none the less.  

One thing I do know is that my trigger for the anxiety and anger was very short.  It could be a sound, a comment, a thought that would simply set me off internally.  And all of the triggers were innocent…  There is no pattern that I could identify that would allow me to say “if I do x, I become bothered”.  I find that a bit annoying… well, more than a bit.

If yesterday is an indicator of things to come this holiday season, I may be in good shape.

Yesterday was a really, really hard day for me.  I won’t go into the specifics as to why, they are unimportant for this discussion.  While simply walking through the haze that was my day, I started to question if antidepressants – or any med that helps with a mental health issue –  prevents the “real” you from coming out.

Now, this question is not asking if medications help individuals deal with the issues and sickness they face – I am asking if taking the medications prevent behaviors, normal healthy behaviors, from manifesting.  Part of the motivation for asking this question stems from the fact that I do not feel like “me” any more.  I attribute this to my depression, but I also wonder how much influence the medication has in the sensation.

As I was pondering the question, I remembered back to an interview with David Neeleman, the founder and former CEO of Jet Blue. It turns out that Mr. Neeleman has Adult ADD, but a very interesting fact was attributed to his dealing with the issue:

Yet Neeleman views his hyperactivity as an asset. He won’t take medication for fear he might be robbed of the creativity and energy propelling JetBlue to rapid growth through intense customer service and innovations such as 24 channels of live TV at every seat. 

Neeleman won’t take the medication as he fears it may rob him of who he is. Interesting…

So, is the ADD aspect the David Neeleman, or is the focused individual who deal with ADD the real driving force?  Likewise, is the depression I face the real “me”, or am I in there somewhere and the antidepressants stop that from coming out while performing their function?

I have no answer to this question, it was something that game to mind as I no longer know who the real me is.

Was not a good day for me, for various reasons.  It all ties backto what I am dealing with, however.  In the end, everything was zapped from me.  I didn’t want to write, didn’t want to be online, didn’t check the email… the only thing I really did was have studio time to as it allowed me work out some anger and aggression.  

I am so lost, and I am on the verge of losing those around me.  I try to move forward, even if others disagree I try to understand the impact i have on others… I want to love for those around me as well.. but is a mental and physical problem.  

Mind fills with anger and rage when an episode is going on. My breathing is near uncontrollable, and the phsical and emotional pain…..  I don’t want to talk to anyone, or be around anyone….even for a casual chat… hell.. I wouldn’t want ANYONE in physical distance of me

 I try for others, I try for my job, I try for me and none of my efforts are noticed by others or by mself.I  fucking hate this. I am dangeroulsy close to taking a complete life change.

Three times in the last week I have received emails from individuals questioning me on why I post some of the content that I do. Specifically, why do I have some highly personal, potentially vulnerable, information out for the entire world to see? Am I not worried about the impact this may have on my life at some future point?

Frankly, no.

Let’s face it… nothing in the content is truly damaging. I am not taking pictures of myself at my place of employ while I decide to take a bath in the kitchen sink. Nor am I hacking email accounts and posting the information to high traffic websites while bragging about it.

I do suspect some of the emotional information, content related to depression and anxiety, has the potential to impact my ability to obtain an uber-high paying job at some point in the future. Some future employer may Google me up; see that I have dealt/am dealing with depression and cause hesitation on their part. I accept that as a risk, as potential reality, and frankly I wouldn’t want to work for an organization that may hold such a thing against me.

The driver behind my content is the need to express and document what I am experiencing at any moment. Some people would imply that I should simply journal or share these thoughts with a therapist, but the impact is not the same for two reasons.

First, there is a sense of immediate gratification – if there is something I have to get out I can post it via email/twitter in a matter of seconds and it doesn’t matter where I am. It is not easy to carry a journal with you everywhere you go… plus, I am a technology guy. It just feels natural to me.

Second, I have found that there a large number of people who are going through the same types of situations as myself, and I now have the ability to connect with them at just about any moment. There is a sense of sharing and connection that, for me, was unavailable in previous settings.

So, yes, that is why you see some of the emotion and detail you do.

This is rather sweet on the part of Harvard Medical school – they are providing The Harvard Medical School Portable Guide to Stress Relief in both PDF and Website formats.  

Usually the medical reports cost about $20, so free content is a nice thing.  Download it, bookmark it and make use of it.