The topic that I am continually asking myself, focusing segment of my subconscious mind on, is what do I want from life. For the last three weeks this this question has been ringing more and more in my mind. It is a daunting task, and not an answer that I expect will simply just come into mind – I don’t expect there to be an “ah ha” moment where everything falls into place and I simply just “know”, but I do seem to have the ability to clearly see the questions/options more today than I have been able to in a few months.

When looking at the question I am really asking a few things… what do I want from a career, what do I want from my friends, do I want to take certain paths in life (Executive Management, being a parent, where do live), and what can I expect from my life on a day to day basis. Today I had two things remind me of this question – talking with Friends and watching reruns of the TV show Scrubs.

First off, talking with my friends reminded me how special they are to me. See, part of my “problem” with friends is age. The majority of my friends are significantly older than I am, which makes it very, very hard to plans things with them. The last thing someone wants to do is go out to dinner if they haven’t been with the family for 12 hours. I get that, but it’s true. Not only the age, a number of them travel on a weekly basis, so now it’s a matter of purely finding time in the schedule (after their work, after their family and after their own relaxing time).

So, what do I want from my friendships?

Not much, really. Simply talking to someone once every other week or so would work for me…. get a good laugh in, share some thoughts on life. You know, simply have friendships that allow me to let part of my creative/critical thinking side of me come out. I need to work on this aspect of my life.

What about a career… what do I need and desire in this aspect of life?

I’m 31 years old and I’ve been working in IT (one form or another) for 11 years now, but what do I have to show for it? Actually, a lot. I am cognizant of the fact that my path in life has provided me with a lifestyle that is above average (no, I am not saying rich) and a career path that potentially allows me to become an executive in a company in the future, but is that what I want? I’m not sure – yet.

I understand there is a large amount of experience and that I need to gain, both personally and professionally, in order to obtain that path in life. In many ways obtaining those traits and skills would simply help me become a better person regardless of my career choices…. but I am on the “path” as of right now if I desire that lifestyle.

Knowing my advantages, if you will, I still wake up every day and think to myself “is this the course in life that I wish to take”. A large part of me wants to sake everything up, start anew. A large part of me thinks that my natural rhythm does not fit into the 9 to 5 lifestyle. At one time in the past I would have easily said I would be running my own business, but even that doesn’t seem natural to me any longer. Basically, a large part of me is saying no, this isn’t what I desire.

If it is not what I desire, what is? That is what I am continually asking… continually thinking about….and one question that I am not closer to at this point.

I have more introspection to hash out, but it won’t be this evening. It’s time for me to call it an evening. Tomorrow I’ll get to my thoughts on Do I want to be a parent/where do I want to live, and I’ll tie in how Scrubs triggered these thoughts….

Until then.

While I only started blogging once again in August, I’ve had a number of posts that I am very, very proud of. SixUntilMe did a year end round up and I thought, you know, that is a great idea.

Here are the posts I am most proud of – by month.

August – e*trade Bank – Think Long and hard before you use them

September – When did obesity become an epedemic?

October – America the beautiful

November (4) - It’s not about you, Thought experiment – Let’s say Gerald Celente is right, I will miss him, The “Right and Wrong” Paradox

December (3) - Thinking about the happiest time in my life, Why do we feel this way, I have a problem with this “reporting” from the AP

Thanks for joining me on this journey…

Driving in today, during the first snow of any substance here in Chicago, I really had an “ah ha” moment as I watched the wind blow the flakes over the river with the cities buildings as a backdrop.

I know this is going to sound lame, because that is exactly the reaction I had when the thought came into mind this morning, but I realized just how life and snow are alike.

A snowflake is delicate, unique, and beautiful.  From the second of its birth, said snowflake has a limited amount of time, predetermined to return to its original form.  The influences of other elements, such as the wind, provide a reminder that the snowflake has no control of the final destination; it’s simply along for the ride.  The flake can act in concert with others to become a drift or make a valiant stand on its own against the world, and either can make a significant impact.  

Snow comes, sometimes unexpectedly, and can leave just as quickly. The same can be said for the life…

What is talent, exactly?  The obvious answer may be a skill or behavior an individual excels at with seemingly little effort but is that really talent?

Is talent a natural ability, something that a person just seems to have, or is it a practiced behavior.  It seems some musicians just “get” musical theory, or some painters just know how to deal with spatial aspects of painting without ever having been taught to do so. How?

If talent is part natural ability and part repetition, does talent improve with repetition or the ability one holds improves? For example, no matter how much I write I will never become outstanding at putting my thoughts into words. Better yet, are talent and ability different things?

So, is talent a natural ability?  Is it something learned, or is it a combination of both?

I wish I could write with a level of confidence that most “trained” writers appear to have. I truly wish I had a thesaurus packed away in my mind that would allow the perfect word to flow out at the correct moment, creating the illusion that I actually know what the hell I was doing.

Forget my presentation for a moment; the manner in which I write, let’s just look at the very fundamental aspect of being able to write a paragraph without any spelling errors, let alone having the entire paragraph be littered with grammatical road bombs.

I will never be an eloquent write – ever. I will never be a successful writer – ever. My problem, maybe besides the fact that I seem to not remember 7th and 8th grade English, is when I write I tend to do so as if I am talking to YOU (the reader). It’s as if you and I were sitting here in my family room discussing the topics of the day. Basically, I have a conversation in my wee little mind as to how such a conversation would play out and the resulting dialog becomes the post. It becomes the “end work”.

I guess each person has a style, and this is mine, but I really wish I could be an outstanding writer, like some people close to me…I wish it would just rub off.

Roughly two and a half years ago I was managing a team that needed additional help, so I turned to staff augmentation firms in order to address the needs of my team.  After reviewing a stack of resumes that was roughly 14” high, and doing a number of interviews, I ended up brining on a number of really talented individuals.

The last contract is coming to an end and a good friend will be leaving my organization.  

During my career I have had the privilege of working with, and becoming friends with, a number of highly intelligent, highly motivated, and stand-up individuals.  Everyone taught me lessons in life, influenced me in some way, and ended up helping me become the person I am today.  Well, the last contract that is leaving falls into this group.

His experiences provide me with guidance on issues I may one day face… things I should do or shouldn’t do… ways I should or shouldn’t react…  His work ethic is, probably, the most impressive I have ever had the honor of witnessing and his forethought on issues and needs of people and projects is amazing.  

We will still keep in touch but I will miss going out for coffee, our lunches or simply just meeting up to talk for a few.  Sure, the organization will lose a good resource, one who is going to make an immediate impact wherever he lands, but above all I will miss my friend.  

I was involved in a discussion this week that challenged my view of right and wrong, and at this point the question remains slightly unsettling to me.

So, here is the “Right and Wrong” Paradox: Can one be wrong, even though they are doing the right thing, if their actions conflict with general thinking of the society they are living in?

Let’s take an extreme example, as I believe it makes the best point.

During World War II anti-Semitism was rampant in most of Europe. In Germany, however, anti-Semitic feelings were unparalleled. As a result Jews lost their money, ended up as slaves or in prison camps, and created a general belief that Jews were not people and should be treated as such.

The majority of German society, at the time, reflected these views. An overwhelming sense of hatred towards Jewish people became the accepted reality within Germany.

Now, if you happened to live in Germany during this period and you did not believe that Jews were the root of all evil, rather that society should be protecting this group of people instead of prosecuting, you would be wrong based on what society was teaching at the time. If you attempted to protect these people, you would be wrong simply for doing what you believe to be the “right” thing?

What about today?

In society today there seems to be a growing lack of accountability, both in corporate America and society in general. If you are a manager in a corporation, and your organization does seems to not hold people accountable for their actions, but you attempt to hold individuals to a higher standard – a standard simply known as doing their job in other corporate cultures – are you wrong for doing so even though your corporate culture allows such a mentality to exist?

Again, I ask, can one be wrong even though they are doing the right thing?

Personally, I have not arrived at an answer for this question. I am not sure that I ever will as it raises so many questions and implies a number of assumptions. It is something that I continue to think about… but it sure is an interesting question, no?

I have never found aging to be a difficult thing.  It is not distressing to me, as it appears to be for some, regardless of the fact that it’s an undeniable inevitability. Looking back at my life I never really expected to give much attention to the aging process. I’m going to get old, ok.  My body is going to go to pot at some point regardless of how well I take care of myself.  Let’s move on.

This past week I had a thought… When asked age my mind automatically wants to kick out “I’m 29” and since I’m a bit older that is problematic.  It’s not that I am trying to deny my age; I simply do not pay attention to it.  I am not aware of it.   If my mind is “stuck in the past”, for a lack of better words, what else is my mind omitting during the aging process? 

My physical appearance is the first thing that comes to mind.

The outside world generally guesses that I am younger that I actually am, usually the guess comes in right about 28. This is based strictly on physical appearance.   Ask me how old I look… yea, no clue.  I have no clue if I look 27 or 31 simply because I have no real ability to look at another person and say “yea, he is 31”.  I’m simply horrid at that.

Another thing that pops into mind is the desire others my age seem to experience…

I don’t think in terms of having a family, nor do I want to.  I don’t think about retirement but building my career. I don’t think about having people over for brunch.  I don’t think about what I have to do around the house but rather the fact that I can get up at 3pm on Saturday if I want.

So my mind has tricked me to think I’m younger and when I see myself in the mirror I still see they 22-year-old guy…

Is this some weird psychological trait, some “self protection” mechanism, the human mind automatically kicks into gear as people reach a certain point in life, or am I simply missing something?

It was just a thought…

NOTE: This isn’t about my job but my personal happiness with life. END NOTE

Everyday it seems I have one consistent choice to make – is this the day or not.
Is today the day I decide I no longer have the ability to function in my world? If it is said day, a huge life change is knocking on the door. Or is it like any other day where I wake up so sick and tired of feeling so tired yet I suck it up again and make may way through a rough day.
Either way, my troubled mind cannot find comfort in sleep as the question repeats day after day after day…