Van Santos

Well, I cannot sleep.  It is due to a number of things.  First off, the bar/club across the stress is VERY loud this evening.  At first it was the music, then it was the drunken bastards who decided “Hey, I need to smoke!” that poured out into the street to get their fix.

I hate the Chicago law that forbids smoking in bars/clubs/restaurants. Bottom line, if someone wants to some in a bar – they should be able to. If someone doesn’t like the fact that another is smoking in a bar, they can leave.  If the bar suffers a loss in business, they the can decide for themselves to be a non-smoking establishment.

Anyway..

I’m just sitting here thinking about life – life in general – and I can honestly say that it seems everyday provides more “surprises” than I would have ever thought. Frankly, it’s getting a bit old.  I’ve talked about this a few times in the past.  I’m not exactly sure what I thought life would be, but I know that it wasn’t this.

Which again leads me to what I want on my tombstone – if I have one - oh so many years in the future: “It wasn’t what I had expected.”

That will play with the minds of anyone who sees it.

I had a small bit of unexpected joy in my life today.  I got a rare demo copy of an equally rare ambient recording from the early 90’s that was produced by The Orb and Robert Fripp.  The final version of the album became none as FFWD but I have to say that I’m astonished by the demo. In a number of ways I find it to be superior to the final product.

If I remember correctly, 4 albums were expected to be produced but – for some reason – that never happened.  Such a shame.

On another note…

Has anyone had any experience with Ableton Live?

I’m looking for a multi-functional production tool – one that can be used in the studio as well as live/on the fly.  I’ve watched a number of videos/tutorials on the product and it looks like it may fit my needs, but every time I’ve sat down with the software I’ve felt very… well… It almost seems overly complicated.

For example, the second I sat down with ProTools, I felt comfortable and right at home.  Ableton, not so much.

So, does anyone have thoughts or experience with it?  If so, what do you think?

I’m going to try to go back to sleep, I have a feeling that it’s not going to go that well. Frankly, I’m a bit bummed right now.

As a youngster, I had always believed – mistakenly, mind you – that happiness was some end state. That if I worked hard, if I made wise choices, and if I “did things the right way” I would be somehow rewarded. I believe this path was how one gets to the end state of happiness.

Yea, I was wrong on that one.

Life has taught me that happiness, for me, isn’t a title. It’s a state of mind that one needs to determine for themselves. It may be something small, such as enjoying a passing smile with a random stranger, or it may be accomplishing something you never thought possible.

I’m not going to sit here and say that money does not lead to happiness. It does. Anyone who has ever said that has never truly had money. Money leads to opportunity, opportunity leads to fulfilling hopes and dreams, and hopes and dreams can lead to happiness. In my view, the correct statement is that money is not happiness but can help you along the way.

Another aspect of happiness that I have debated with my mother is the source of happiness. Is it external to you, internal to you or a combination thereof? I would like to say a combination. No matter how positive of a person I was, I can guarantee you that I would NOT be happy to go to work every day if my job was to shovel shit. Just wouldn’t happen. However, one needs to be able to generate some form of positive emotion separate from the situation they are in or the conditions they are facing.

So, what is happiness?

More and more I’ve come to believe that happiness is like a string of pearls. It is temporary moments of enjoyment strung together by a thread of inconvenience and difficulty. Is it ideal? No. Recognizing that your next moment of enjoyment may simply be down the road sure helps dealing with the negative once faces in the course of daily activities.

All said and done, no one can tell you what happiness is. You need to determine that on your own. It’s not as easy as one would think, and it’s a continual process, but having an understanding of what happiness means to you will help how you interact with world around you.

Update:

So, as I was writing this I was in a rather poor mood. I had a random encounter with an individual that helped lift my mood. It’s the little things.

One of the classic questions philosophers consistently ask concerns an individuals ability to control their actions and choices. Do we truly have the ability to make choices for ourselves, or is our life somehow predetermined for us by some unknown force? Is there such a thing of free will?

Throughout time there have always been people who believe they are sensitive to powers unseen or unfelt by the natural world. People who claim to have see the future or future events. These are people who claim to have psychic abilities.

So, is there such a thing as free well and are there individuals who can truly see the future?

Let’s ignore any possible religious implications on either topic while discussing the question, this is purely an exercise in abstract thought.

Free will seems to be a given to most people, why wouldn’t it exist? One gets up in the morning and decides if breakfast will be scrambled eggs or chocolate chip pancakes. Both it is! Okay, so they made the decision, it wasn’t predetermined. Scholars point to such behavior to show humans are in charge of their own actions.

As the individual who just ate breakfast is walking down the street, starting her day, she passes by a storefront psychic. On a whim she says “you know what, it would be fun to see what a psychic says about my life”. She opens the door, walks in and starts listening to all the prospective and thoughts the psychic has to offer. One bit of information the psychic provides is very specific: you will have a car accident tomorrow.

Thinking nothing much of the visit to the psychic, the woman continues on with her life. She goes through the motions of her day – work, dinner, sleep – and the next day starts with no thoughts of the previous day, no thoughts of what the physic said. Instead of making breakfast, however, the young woman decides to stop at her favorite diner to pick up some French toast. While looking for a parking spot her car is nudged by another individual pulling out of the parking lot.

The psychic was right, she was in an accident.

Let’s say the psychic actually saw how this womans life was going to play out and said decision to go out to eat was going to lead to an accident. If the psychic actually saw the future, that would mean our subjects actions were predetermined, and that would imply that there is no such thing as free will. Yet, had free will existed, it would be impossible for the psychic to say “x will happen to you tomorrow” because the woman could have made the decision to avoid getting in a car. No one forced her, she did so willingly.

And there is the paradox…

If free will exists, there is no way a person could see the future. If psychics exist, there is no way true free will can exist because it would imply decisions were already determined.

I would like to believe I have control over my actions, that I am making decisions for myself, but I the question will always remain… especially with the research of physiologist Benjamin Libet. Through experimentation, Libet had shown that the unconscious mind often triggers the conscious mind into “thinking” a choice was made. In reality, the unconscious mind was making decisions for the person.

Just something to think about next time you have nothing else to keep your mind occupied.

Let me take you down memory lane.  Roughly 15 years ago, my parents had an open house to celebrate the completion of their newly built home.  A large event attended by extended family and close friends stands out in my memory, not because of the celebration and joy that potentially comes with a new home, but with a short exchange my father and I had.

Toward the end of the evening a debt regarding life choices started – the things people have done, the choices they’ve made, the career paths they’ve chosen – and I boldly state the expectations for life, as well as my desires for life.  No sooner than the last words roll off my tongue, my father turns to me as says the following:

Be careful, you could end up like me.

Being the cocksure, strong minded, nothing is going to stop me from achieving the life I want individual of the time I respond in kind (or what I saw as an appropriate response at the time):

I will never end up like you.

My comment was not a criticism, I simply did not envision my life to turn out in the same manner that his did.  From life choices to career choices, I simply could not picture it happening.

As time has passed, and I look at my life, I can officially say that his comment was spot on – if not slightly prophetic.  I’m not imply my career decisions matched his, nor am I saying he is unhappy with how his life was lived up until this point.  No. What I believe my father was telling me at that time, so many years ago, was that I had the potential to wake up one day surprised by how life unfolded.

Looking back, I believe he was trying to say that life is a journey and that I may be surprised as to where I find myself during my journey. My inexperience limited my understanding of “you could end up like me” to only financial or material matters.

Aide from him being right, which I do now believe, ending up like my father is not a bad thing at all.  He’s an incredible man, a man who I couldn’t truly appreciate until I experienced some of the ups and downs life has to offer.

The topic that I am continually asking myself, focusing segment of my subconscious mind on, is what do I want from life. For the last three weeks this this question has been ringing more and more in my mind. It is a daunting task, and not an answer that I expect will simply just come into mind – I don’t expect there to be an “ah ha” moment where everything falls into place and I simply just “know”, but I do seem to have the ability to clearly see the questions/options more today than I have been able to in a few months.

When looking at the question I am really asking a few things… what do I want from a career, what do I want from my friends, do I want to take certain paths in life (Executive Management, being a parent, where do live), and what can I expect from my life on a day to day basis. Today I had two things remind me of this question – talking with Friends and watching reruns of the TV show Scrubs.

First off, talking with my friends reminded me how special they are to me. See, part of my “problem” with friends is age. The majority of my friends are significantly older than I am, which makes it very, very hard to plans things with them. The last thing someone wants to do is go out to dinner if they haven’t been with the family for 12 hours. I get that, but it’s true. Not only the age, a number of them travel on a weekly basis, so now it’s a matter of purely finding time in the schedule (after their work, after their family and after their own relaxing time).

So, what do I want from my friendships?

Not much, really. Simply talking to someone once every other week or so would work for me…. get a good laugh in, share some thoughts on life. You know, simply have friendships that allow me to let part of my creative/critical thinking side of me come out. I need to work on this aspect of my life.

What about a career… what do I need and desire in this aspect of life?

I’m 31 years old and I’ve been working in IT (one form or another) for 11 years now, but what do I have to show for it? Actually, a lot. I am cognizant of the fact that my path in life has provided me with a lifestyle that is above average (no, I am not saying rich) and a career path that potentially allows me to become an executive in a company in the future, but is that what I want? I’m not sure – yet.

I understand there is a large amount of experience and that I need to gain, both personally and professionally, in order to obtain that path in life. In many ways obtaining those traits and skills would simply help me become a better person regardless of my career choices…. but I am on the “path” as of right now if I desire that lifestyle.

Knowing my advantages, if you will, I still wake up every day and think to myself “is this the course in life that I wish to take”. A large part of me wants to sake everything up, start anew. A large part of me thinks that my natural rhythm does not fit into the 9 to 5 lifestyle. At one time in the past I would have easily said I would be running my own business, but even that doesn’t seem natural to me any longer. Basically, a large part of me is saying no, this isn’t what I desire.

If it is not what I desire, what is? That is what I am continually asking… continually thinking about….and one question that I am not closer to at this point.

I have more introspection to hash out, but it won’t be this evening. It’s time for me to call it an evening. Tomorrow I’ll get to my thoughts on Do I want to be a parent/where do I want to live, and I’ll tie in how Scrubs triggered these thoughts….

Until then.

While I only started blogging once again in August, I’ve had a number of posts that I am very, very proud of. SixUntilMe did a year end round up and I thought, you know, that is a great idea.

Here are the posts I am most proud of – by month.

August - e*trade Bank – Think Long and hard before you use them

September - When did obesity become an epedemic?

October – America the beautiful

November (4) - It’s not about you, Thought experiment – Let’s say Gerald Celente is right, I will miss him, The “Right and Wrong” Paradox

December (3) - Thinking about the happiest time in my life, Why do we feel this way, I have a problem with this “reporting” from the AP

Thanks for joining me on this journey…

Driving in today, during the first snow of any substance here in Chicago, I really had an “ah ha” moment as I watched the wind blow the flakes over the river with the cities buildings as a backdrop.

I know this is going to sound lame, because that is exactly the reaction I had when the thought came into mind this morning, but I realized just how life and snow are alike.

A snowflake is delicate, unique, and beautiful.  From the second of its birth, said snowflake has a limited amount of time, predetermined to return to its original form.  The influences of other elements, such as the wind, provide a reminder that the snowflake has no control of the final destination; it’s simply along for the ride.  The flake can act in concert with others to become a drift or make a valiant stand on its own against the world, and either can make a significant impact.  

Snow comes, sometimes unexpectedly, and can leave just as quickly. The same can be said for the life…

What is talent, exactly?  The obvious answer may be a skill or behavior an individual excels at with seemingly little effort but is that really talent?

Is talent a natural ability, something that a person just seems to have, or is it a practiced behavior.  It seems some musicians just “get” musical theory, or some painters just know how to deal with spatial aspects of painting without ever having been taught to do so. How?

If talent is part natural ability and part repetition, does talent improve with repetition or the ability one holds improves? For example, no matter how much I write I will never become outstanding at putting my thoughts into words. Better yet, are talent and ability different things?

So, is talent a natural ability?  Is it something learned, or is it a combination of both?

I wish I could write with a level of confidence that most “trained” writers appear to have. I truly wish I had a thesaurus packed away in my mind that would allow the perfect word to flow out at the correct moment, creating the illusion that I actually know what the hell I was doing.

Forget my presentation for a moment; the manner in which I write, let’s just look at the very fundamental aspect of being able to write a paragraph without any spelling errors, let alone having the entire paragraph be littered with grammatical road bombs.

I will never be an eloquent write - ever. I will never be a successful writer - ever. My problem, maybe besides the fact that I seem to not remember 7th and 8th grade English, is when I write I tend to do so as if I am talking to YOU (the reader). It’s as if you and I were sitting here in my family room discussing the topics of the day. Basically, I have a conversation in my wee little mind as to how such a conversation would play out and the resulting dialog becomes the post. It becomes the “end work”.

I guess each person has a style, and this is mine, but I really wish I could be an outstanding writer, like some people close to me…I wish it would just rub off.