I just started my second attempt at a Masters. The first did not end that well for various reasons. I left the University of Chicago’s Computer Science program in the deepest valley of my fight with challenges in life. The reason wasn’t due to what I was facing or what I was dealing with, rather, the program didn’t fulfill my needs.

I did not want to program algorithms to solve world issues, I didn’t want to re-learn discrete mathematics (no matter how fun) simply to utilize the skill set for 6 months. Yes, I could have found a way, I could have pushed through at the cost of roughly $5K per class to say that I obtained my degree from the U of C but I opted not to.

Now that I feel I have life under some sense of control once again, that my focus is on the future and not mere survival, I have decided to go back to school for a Masters degree that follows my passions, my desires and hits at the core of who I am.

I will not be sharing what that is as of yet, however, I will say this. In a matter of a few short days I’ve managed to challenge myself and my beliefs on the subject I am studying in ways that I had never expected. Suddenly the conceptual framework for the subject has shifted, and as a result is providing new avenues of growth.

My undergraduate college career was unfulfilled, mainly because I wasn’t challenged and my focus was on career development, not obtaining a degree. Now that I have found a subject that allows me to experience growth and personal rejuvenation I am starting to understand how the educational system can truly be rewarding for an individual.

Belief in any form can be overwhelmingly powerful, and as a matter of personal opinion I hold that it can be the strongest emotional/psychological state a person can experience. Belief has the ability to be the strongest force any person can manifest from within themselves. Once belief has manifested anything is genuinely possible for that individual.

What about faith? What about confidence? What about persistence in order to obtain something?

They are all meaningless without the fundamental foundation of belief.

If you have faith in something, say that an event will take place, you are saying – essentially – that the event will take place because you believe it to be so. If you say you have the ability to accomplish something because of confidence in your abilities to do so, you are saying you believe in your abilities to bring an end result into reality. You will not quit until you reach your goal because you desire the objective and you believe you will obtain it. If you continue to pursue a goal, if you continue to pursue a dream, if you do something – anything – in a repetitious manner expecting your actions to satisfy your desires you believe it will happen, thus you continue to do so until it does.

While we walk through life everyday simply performing tasks that we know must take place in order to keep a sense of balance or social responsibility, such as waking up on time in order to go to work and paying bills, the true motivation that keeps humanity (as a whole) moving forward is the belief that something will be rewarded to those who continue to push foward.  When broken down on an individual level it does not matter what, exactly, that is… just that something will be given in order to move forward.

Without a pay check would you go to work? Without a motivator would you get up routinely at a specific time?

No.

The belief that life (or your actions) have a point, the belief that you will be able to obtain your desires, the belief that you have the ability to fulfill your dreams, is what continues you to move you forward.  Without it what is the point?

Conversely, the same may be true. The *lack* of belief may be the strongest emotional force known to humanity.

A lack of belief transmits the viewpoint that nothing – or very little –  is possible, be it the ability to accomplish a goal or desire, simply because what one aims for is a dream.. a fantasy… and realm that is unattainable.

A lack of belief is saying that something does not deserve the time and energy. A lack of belief is saying something is unattainable or untrue.

The irony in the outline above is that  a lack of belief requires that one *believes* such a thing was unattainable; ergo the power of belief remains the most powerful force within human psychology. Be it a positive or negative the fact that one has the ability to say something will or will not happen shows just how powerful belief is.

You have the ability to do anything in this world. If you want to change society or, if you desire to change the impact of one specific situation, you have the capability to do so… if you believe you can. If you believe you have no ability to impact the situation that, too, is true.

Believe in yourself, believe in what you are capable of, and believe that something of significance can come to fruition…

…if you do anything is truly possible…

Well…

I haven’t been posting as of late, if you didn’t notice.

You didn’t?

Yea, I didn’t think so.

Well, it’s because I truly haven’t had the time due to work obligations. Since the turn of the new year things have been so busy that, at the end of the day, I simply have been drained and have little to no desire to do anything… well… anything at all except tune out the world. No desire to blog, no desire to go out, or a desire to simply do email.

Life has been that busy.

It’s funny that life has been so busy because it wasn’t something that I had expected and it has taken my mind off of a number of other things (the fate of the world, my future plans, other such things). While that may be a good things for a short period of time, I need to keep the other topics of importance in the forefront as they are key to my personal growth and survival.

Anyway, regular posting will resume at some point in the near future. I suspect it will be over the weekend…

Cheers!

As a youngster you most likely had the excitement and joy that only such a holiday can bring. The seemingly magical time of the year when all of your hopes and dreams could come true late one evening or early one morning.

While the excitement and energy of your youthful Christmas days not longer consumes you, a new sensation has developed. Perhaps it is a feeling of deep satisfaction, or a calming sense of fulfillment. Or maybe, just maybe, there is a sensation of your childhood creeping back into your behavior as you watch your Child experience is first Christmas – one where he begins to understand some of the tradition going on around him.

Whatever sensation you have today as you sit with your family, or closest of friends, take a moment to remember your childhood. Remember the sensation you experienced so many years ago then appreciate what you have today – the conversations, the connection, the love – and remember just how lucky you truly are.

Such is the true magic of this holiday…

Merry Christmas.

Insomnia is back with me today and after a long day that was very stressful and fill with emotions I had not experience in a long, long time, sleep is exactly what I would want (and need). Even with government approved methods for sleep, no such luck… and the old wives tales don’t work much either.

What I hate about insomnia is the thinking – the constant thinking. I cannot shut my mind down, it just won’t unplug from the matrix (as it were). I sit in bed attempting to fill my mind with black space but one thing, one thought, can get in and cause havoc. For some reason that one thought acts like a “wake cancer” that spreads ideas and thoughts throughout my mind that I end up focusing on. Usually, this will go on for two or three hours.

Just as my mind starts to tune out, and the over saturating thoughts of before are fading into the past, wouldn’t you know it, my eyes pop wide open for one reason …. to ask the question “was I just asleep?”

Ironically, I believe the evening (night) is the best time of my day – that is to say I an a night owl. I am usually wide awake, ready to take on tasks, bake, do something creative, play video games, do work for the office…. however, there isn’t much demand for highly specialized IT architects with and audit management background to be working from home from 12AM to 9AM. But if there was one, I would be ALL over it… and if you know of one, email me!

As with all other things in life, this is part of my life rhythm and how I deal with, and make the best of, will ultimately determine how successful I’ll be with this ‘gift’.

Yesterday, August 27th, 2009 was year one of the blogging experiment known as vansantos.com.  During the majority of the time I posted on a daily basis.  The months of July 2009 and August 2009 were slower than what I had previously established but that was due in part of a number of medical issues I faced.  I simply didn’t have the energy or focus to blog on a consistent period during that time.

Regardless of how much I may or may not have posted, I was very impressed – no, honored – to see 76,555 people came to read over 300,000 pages on the site during that time.  I never expected such numbers, and I didn’t really have a goal. I was simply tracking my thoughts and how they are changing over time.  I’m glad to see there are a number of people out there who share some of the interests that I do.

The three stories that obtained the most attention over the last year are:

Pixar, you’re a class act – Fills dying wish to see UP 3000 views (30K in page views)

Up To 15 UK Retal Chains Expected To Go Bankrupt (23K PV)

The Orb – Blue Room (Coco Da Bank Remix) (12.5K PV)

That is all well and nice for the story but what about me, what did I learn and how did I grown over this period of time?

Amazingly, I’ve found much I can depend on my friends and family. My sense of “go it alone” is somewhat past due to the understanding that I don’t to through life alone. OH, and friends do not have to next door to me… they can be in SC, NJ, UK or CA.

The medical issues I’ve had to live with made me understand that I am not the person I used to be… or even more… I may not even be aware of who I am today. What comes next in the process it to take what I don’t know and transform it into what I want to  know, what I want to believe in.

Finally, the last year has all pointed to the development of my next phase in life.  I have an idea, one I’ve played over in my mind consistently – such as finishing my masters – and than making a switch to a career and lifestyle that is more in tune with who I am and what I want the rest of my life to be like.  The plan is in motion and I will blog about it when the time is right.

The year of consistent blogging has a tool that focuses me in both the best times and the difficulty times. Based off of what I’ve experienced, what I’ve felt, those I’ve met and the lives I’ve had a chance to influence – both mind and others – there is no way I can stop now.

Thanks for going along on the ride with me.

My grandfather was an a member of “The Greatest Generation”. A principled man who, despite a number of shortcomings, always managed to do the right thing – even in the face of his mortality.

Age, experience and his “stay the hell out of my way” personality help him accumulate bits of wisdom and knowledge over time, knowledge he was going to dispense regardless of what you wanted to hear. One comment he consistently utilized was “you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family.”

In the days of my youth those were simply empty words.  I never believed in that saying.

If your sister did something so disturbing, so bothersome, that an intense anger grew to a borderline hatred you could just stop talking to her. Sure, you didn’t pick her to originally be in the family but you sure as hell picked her not to be in your family moving forward.

Age, experience and my own “trailblazer” personality finally helped me understand what my grandfather was trying to say.

This isn’t about who you’ve chosen as your friends, nor is it’s about the woman happens to be your sister.  No. My grandfather, I believe, was saying you cannot pick who is going to care for you.

He was saying that you can have friendships you’ve cultivated over time, and you have your sister that has known you from birth, but you cannot determine who is going to love you, care for you and unconditionally support you.

You can pick who you love but you cannot pick who loves you.

I may simply be looking back on my grandfather with a fond nostalgia. Maybe he was just a cranky old man who happened to “do the right thing” by chance, not choice.  Maybe his bit of wisdom was a way to rationalize a lifetime of stress, and maybe he was just saying “shut up and don’t argue with your sister at the kitchen table”.

With the lack of any solid evidence of him being a whack job, I’ll stick with the belief that he was a principled, wise man who was trying to educate the those around him.  Also, I will continue to be grateful for all of those who love and support me, regardless of how they’ve come into my life… because, remember, you can pick your friends but you cannot pick your family.

As a youngster, I had always believed – mistakenly, mind you – that happiness was some end state. That if I worked hard, if I made wise choices, and if I “did things the right way” I would be somehow rewarded. I believe this path was how one gets to the end state of happiness.

Yea, I was wrong on that one.

Life has taught me that happiness, for me, isn’t a title. It’s a state of mind that one needs to determine for themselves. It may be something small, such as enjoying a passing smile with a random stranger, or it may be accomplishing something you never thought possible.

I’m not going to sit here and say that money does not lead to happiness. It does. Anyone who has ever said that has never truly had money. Money leads to opportunity, opportunity leads to fulfilling hopes and dreams, and hopes and dreams can lead to happiness. In my view, the correct statement is that money is not happiness but can help you along the way.

Another aspect of happiness that I have debated with my mother is the source of happiness. Is it external to you, internal to you or a combination thereof? I would like to say a combination. No matter how positive of a person I was, I can guarantee you that I would NOT be happy to go to work every day if my job was to shovel shit. Just wouldn’t happen. However, one needs to be able to generate some form of positive emotion separate from the situation they are in or the conditions they are facing.

So, what is happiness?

More and more I’ve come to believe that happiness is like a string of pearls. It is temporary moments of enjoyment strung together by a thread of inconvenience and difficulty. Is it ideal? No. Recognizing that your next moment of enjoyment may simply be down the road sure helps dealing with the negative once faces in the course of daily activities.

All said and done, no one can tell you what happiness is. You need to determine that on your own. It’s not as easy as one would think, and it’s a continual process, but having an understanding of what happiness means to you will help how you interact with world around you.

Update:

So, as I was writing this I was in a rather poor mood. I had a random encounter with an individual that helped lift my mood. It’s the little things.

In my 31 years of existence on this mud ball call earth, I have never been drunk in my life.  Not once.  This is has nothing to do with spiritual views, it has nothing to do with a fear that I would loose control of myself, and it has nothing to do with a “I’m too good to drink” mentality that some have.  

Why is it I have never experienced alcohol induced inebriation?

My birth father was, from what I experienced in my 7 years with him (birth to 7 years of age), a classic alcoholic.  Obviously I was unaware what the idea/concept of alcoholism was at that age, but I was quite aware of the impact alcohol could have on one’s personality. I saw him drink, I saw how his personality would change, and I drew the connection regardless of my age.  I saw what that man became and when he drank and I said “I never want to be like that.”

So, I never was.

Was that an extreme reaction?  Maybe.  Did that choice, at such a very young age, mean that I’ve missed out on some “experiences” in life.  Sure. Am I better off without having such experiences?  I like to think so.  Only recently did I understand how my choice as a child impacted my entire life.  There are a number of people I know that have ruined their lives, who now cannot maintain a normal life (normal being work, family, friends) all because of trouble with drinking.

So, when I see a story about Norman Cook – A.K.A Fatboy Slim – retiring from live performances after his stay in rehab, I cannot help but remember that everyone is subject to the demons of alcohol.

Back in 2002, Slim – real name Norman Cook – told of his heavy drinking, saying in an interview: “I’ve tried going on stage sober and it wasn’t much fun.” 

From personal experience, I know exactly what Mr. Cook speaks of. I was a DJ for a number of years.  As a matter of fact, the experience Cook speaks of is one major reason why I stopped.  Too many people where focusing on the substance use – the drinking, the blow – and not on the music.  It was almost as if the entertainers could not enjoy themselves without using something else, so I stopped.

I have very little doubt that the DJ lifestyle has added a level of difficulty in Cook’s battle with alcohol addiction. To see him stop live shows would be great if it means ending his addiction.  This news just goes to show that everyone is subject to alcohol addiction.  Young. Old. Rich. Poor.  Famous…  it does not matter. How you react to the disease does.

Yea, it happens to everyone but I cannot stand being sick. Usually when I have a sore throat, I end up with some form of sinus issues.  This episode of the flu is different. What started as a semi-ear ache has turned into a full blown, entire body, episode.

Two things that really surprise me with my bout of sickness is how quickly it came on and how much my body hurts.  I mean… every part of my body hurts…  my arms, my joins, my back.  EVERYTHING.  I really feel like I’ve been beaten.   But why do I say that I’m surprised at how quickly this came on?  Originally the sore throat started on the right side and basically stayed there.  Yesterday, in a matter of 5 minutes, the left side of my throat was absolutely killing me.

Now this is going into the area of way too much information – just giving you a warning – but another concern of mine is the phlegm.  I’ve noticed when I wake up I have a fare amount of phlegm and there appears to be traces of blood.  This is only in the morning but still slightly disconcerting.

OK, enough of my bitching.  I’m just surprised at how poorly I feel.

UPDATE:

I’m also very, very stir crazy! This whole being inside, not going to work, not interacting with the world… sucks!

UPDATE 2:

My usual Zicam treatment isn’t working this time either.  Major bummer.