As I sit here watching “No Country For Old Men” I started thinking about the happiest times in my life.  The twisted nature of movie got me thinking about happiness for some reason.  Actually, the reason I started thinking about happiness is due to Josh Brolin’s character.  He is running from individuals who want to kill him because he has “their” money, and he thinks that once he finally can escape – once he can put it behind him – he and his wife can life the life they want.

What he doesn’t seem to understand is that he will always be running because of the money.  He will always be looking over his shoulder because of his past actions, fearing that they will catch up with him at any moment.

When I had this realization, it got me thinking that the characters, while having a hard life, were unaware how happy they actually were before their life got “complicated”.  Weird for me to make that connection – intent of the directors or otherwise?  Yes, I would say so.

Anyway, this really started me down a path of introspection – when was I the happiest in my life?

I know this has the potential to be a rather existential question but, it is an honest one.  When was I the happiest in life. All things being equal, I would have to say that it was 1996 to 2002.  Was life easy during that time?  No.  I was in college and I didn’t want to be there.  I didn’t have a lot of money or possessions, but I did have what I needed.  This was in part because of my part-time job and because of my parents.  Did I have depression? No. Was I doing what I wanted in life? No.

All that aside, that is when I was truly happy.  That is when I was “me” at the core and I had no questions, no hesitation, about who I am and what I wanted from life.  

From 2002 to 2005 life was “just there”, and in many regards I was numb.  It is almost as if I woke up one day and I was 27 years old, unsure of where my life had gone. 

In 2005, roughly October of that year, life started slowly going down hill for me. Looking back at it now, I realize the trigger – not the cause – was due to the situation I was in at work.  Overall, it was very unhealthy for me and for the team I was on.  All of us were under an extreme amount of stress due to conditions and situations beyond our control, and sure, we could have decided to change our situation but we were all typical “Type A”, take the world by the balls, but we hung in there because that is what you do – you do not admit defeat and you push through until something better comes along.

Something changed in me during this time, I was unaware of it until I started look at how my life has been playing out since then.

The beginning of 2008 started off magically (Jan to May) – I was happy, I had all that I could ask for in a relationship and in a job but I wasn’t truly happy with how I was.  Then the depression kicked.  My emotions amplified under the pressure and the next thing I know I feel as if life is completely out of my control.  Work was falling apart on many levels (I wasn’t performing they way I wanted to), my relationship was suffering under the undue stress from my condition, my family was put at a distance because I didn’t want to interact with them…  

Even thought the world can easily look at my situation (the job, the family, the relationship, the condo) and say I am living the dream, I have everything going for me, they are not living in my situation.  I am. Do I think that it is possible for me to find the inner happiness I once had?  Yes.  Do I think it will be easy?  No. The only thing that I am sure of is that major changes to my life will need to take place in order to make it happen.

Back in 2005, when I was in a rough situation at work, I was wrong. Even though I survived the situation, I was defeated…. I just didn’t know it at the time.  While I have not truly experience inner happiness in years, I am finally understanding why – I continue to live life operating as if I am the “old” me.

Yesterday invincible summers had a post that was discussing Seroquel – specifically that the FDA is requesting more information from AstraZeneca, the producer of the drug, before official approval is given to use the drug in the treatment of depression (it is currently used for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia).

Here is the thing – doctors have been prescribing the drug for depression for years even though the side effects can be very extreme.  Constant feelings of being “drugged”, extreme sleepiness, weight gain, and hand tremors have been reported an a number of people who have taken the drug.  

It would make one wonder if the depression would be better than the side effects, doesn’t it?

How about diabetes?  Would that make you think twice about taking the drug? Well, AstraZeneca was aware of Seroquel risks since 2000…

AstraZeneca responded June 26 with an analysis that showed 2.4 percent of people who began treatment with normal levels of sugar in the blood became technically diabetic after 52 weeks. Normal levels are less than 100 milligrams per 10 deciliters. Someone is labeled diabetic with a reading of 126 milligrams, said Laura Massey Plunkett, a human risk assessment specialist, who read in court from the company report.

 

That result, compared to 1.4 percent of patients given a placebo who showed the same increase in blood-sugar levels, Plunkett testified, makes it almost 70 percent more likely that people taking Seroquel would develop diabetes than people who weren’t taking the drug.

 

“It’s clear this compound Seroquel can cause diabetes,” she said. “I don’t think there is any real controversy about that.”

Why is AstraZeneca pushing for Seroquel as a depression treatment with this knowledge out there, maybe it has something to do with the $4 Billion in revenue the drug had last year…

All this got me thinking about the drug industry – how many other drugs are on the market that have other unrealized/undocumented side effects?  Better yet, how many other companies MAY have potentially dangerous drugs on the market and are withholding information simply because they are focused on their bottom line?

The automakers did data in the past, Tobacco makers constantly claimed their products were healthy, so why would Big Pharma be any different?

For the record – I had one doctor that tried to push me onto this years ago, but I did a bit of research and would  not do so.  The side effects listed just did not seem to be something I wanted to deal with… I am very thankful I didn’t have that in my body with that new information out there. I wish anyone who is on it/who has take it the best.

Others talking about it….

Pharmalot – Discussion on Seroquel Risks

So, how did the Holiday season go for me?  Not too bad…

Monday and Tuesday were good days, up until Tuesday evening.  No clue as to why or what happened, but the emotions just set in – I felt the exact moment it happened too. With the understanding that I was funk-bound, I simply went with it.  

For most of Christmas Eve (Family Event #2) I was tense but not in total personal collapse. I managed to keep myself “in the moment” but it was damn hard.  Really damn hard, actually.  The holiday triggers were all around me, it was almost as if I was being tempted into just going over to the dark side, but I didn’t.  I would like to say I truly enjoyed myself Christmas eve, but I can’t say that to be the case – my focus was on simply making sure I didn’t slide into a bad place.

When I went to be bed on Christmas Eve, however, it was pure hell.  Maybe it was the act trying to stay focused, trying to fight the emotions during the day, but when my head hit the pillow my mind was flooded with agony.  The emotions and sensations that rushed into my head were so intense that I was amazing I made it through the night.  Yes, obviously, I did not sleep that well.  

For being tired, and now starting to really feel under the weather (Oh, I have a semi-sore throat) Christmas Day (family events 3 and 4) was not bad, and for the first time this entire holiday season I could truthfully say I enjoyed myself. Yes, there was tension where I was trying to keep myself in check, but I have the ability to say I did find enjoyment with what what I was doing and who I was with.  

I turned to my self-developed sanity checklist a number of times.  Most times without those around me knowing I was doing so, as I want to keep the impact on their lives as minimal as possible, but it did help.  I also continue to develop my “want/need” list for my life… which is really difficult as I am now, truly, facing a new reality of life.  I expect that I will finish that by the end of next week.

You should try it sometime….

The last two days have been surprisingly good.   It almost feels like I have been my “normal” self during this time.  It really started on Saturday evening when I was able, for the most part, to deal with the emotions I was feeling during the first family holiday gathering.  It’s not that I did a fantastic job, but I managed better than I had expected.  Sunday had it’s ups and downs but I still was able to push through. After taking a time out for myself, it seemed as if things magically got better. Then comes Monday morning…

When I woke up Monday I simply felt “me” and the sensation continued on until Tuesday evening.  I didn’t question it, I didn’t think to myself about how long it may last, nor did I think that I would simply slip back into any funk… I was simply enjoying myself and enjoy the company of those around me.  I was genuinely content with myself and with life at that very moment. That sensation went on until 10:50 pm Tuesday evening.  

It was exactly at that moment I felt the funk coming back on – and there was not a damn thing I could do to prevent it.  The enjoyment was simply gone, replaced by some general sensation of “suck”.  It wasn’t purely a state of mind either, I could physically feel the tension ripple through my body.

Over the last week or so I have be involved in a personal exercise – a personal want list for my life.  As was pointed out to me by a reader, and by a major stressful event, I may no longer be the person who I once was.  Part of recognizing that fact is trying to understand who I am today and where I want to go.  I decided a “what I want from life” list would be one of the best ways to help focus my attention but part of the problem is that I quickly had two lists – what I want and what I need.  Often times it seems as if those two lists are at odds with each other.

So, as I was enjoying the last two days I reread my list(s) to see how much the change when my mood actually changes.  Turns out not too much… and that is what actually scares me.  

What I thought my life would be, and what I wanted my life to be, has changed significantly over the last 5 years… 3 years… hell, actually over the last 6 months.  What scares me, however, is how significant the gap is between what I want/need and the life I currently live actually is.  If I do take steps to implement this “new life” it may mean a significant change in the way I live from day to day.

Ultimately, I need to be in a position where the change in moods have a minimal impact on my surroundings. The want/need list is helping me understand some of the changes that may be needed, but what else is to come?

Maybe this feeling will be gone today, and I will feel the way I did the last two days…  Here is to being positive.

Thinking about the first family event again…

Ok, putting a bit more thought into the first family event.  While I was successful in managing my emotions (for the most part) there were for spot where I really got worked up where it was hard for me to control what I was feeling.

During one of these moments, actually as everyone was trying to get the car of of the snow bank it happened to be in, I get into a – small – verbal confrontation with my mother.  The whole thing lasted no more than 20 seconds, but in those twenty seconds the anger I was feeling was so intense I became very pointed in what I was saying.

In reality, my frustration and lack of self control during this brief twenty second period led me to being very rude to my mom.  What bothers me about the situation is that I didn’t feel bad, I was too pissed.  As I was saying the word, nothing vulgar mind you, I knew how they would be interpreted and I didn’t care…. and that is what bothers me…. I didn’t care.

One consistent I seem to be experiencing is the total lack of emotion at times, and it’s not emotion for specific things or situations, it’s universal.  From people who love me unconditionally to the next person on the street.  I simply feel nothing for them… and I feel nothing for me.

It’s a weird sensation to look at life and feel little to nothing about anything.  (note, I know that is not the best formed sentence, but I’m leaving it that was simply because it makes a point)  So many sensation and situations catch me by surprise these days…when you “know” you should be saying “sorry” for being offensive, or feel empathetic…. I don’t know.  It’s just weird.

Anyway, Sorry Mom.

Last evening was the first holiday event with the entire family.  It’s wasn’t a Christmas thing, it was simply everyone getting together to enjoy each others company.  

At first, I was worried that it wasn’t going to take place – while cooking, the sister-in-law ended up cutting her finger.  Yes, a trip to the emergency room took place.  Her husband, who did most of the cooking, ended up finishing the meal while she was at the hospital.  I was quite concerned that it was going to be called off that that point, but it turns out she was OK and she joined the fun about 20 minutes after dinner started.

The dinner consisted of beef, chicken, scalloped potatoes and veggies, all of which was truly outstanding. Oh, yes, and there was a Chocolate Whiskey cake that was strong on the Whiskey (in a good way). I wish I had the ability to cook as well as the brother-in-law.  Yes, it’s a matter of practice and desire, but still…. I could wish.

Having a bad week, I was rather worried about the first family holiday event.  I didn’t know if the depression was going to simply decide to jump in at any moment and cause a physical sensation that I could not control.  I was ready to implement my 4 steps for avoiding depression, but I didn’t have to – which made me quite happy.

There are 4 times during the whole event where I almost slipped into an episode, but I managed not to. During these times I had a sensation of anxiety and anger, not so much depression.  I know the feelings stem from my depression, but the sensation wasn’t “depression” as I know it.  I did my best to hide the emotions, I’m sure I didn’t do that way, but I was trying none the less.  

One thing I do know is that my trigger for the anxiety and anger was very short.  It could be a sound, a comment, a thought that would simply set me off internally.  And all of the triggers were innocent…  There is no pattern that I could identify that would allow me to say “if I do x, I become bothered”.  I find that a bit annoying… well, more than a bit.

If yesterday is an indicator of things to come this holiday season, I may be in good shape.

Let’s make a pact to shed 15 pounds!

Oh, how about you promise to stop drinking as much coffee!

No… no… I got it, NOW is the time for you to start studying Coahuilteco – the dead language last spoken in Texas by the Native American group called the Quems way back in the 18th century.

I need to rant for a second….

I simply don’t get why people think January 1st is going to be the new start they have been looking for. Unless you have some major life changing event on New Years eve, like you side down with God and do tequila chasers, December 31st is a day just like any other. There is no logical reason to think you will have the ability to suddenly change your life simply because the calendar changed from 2008 to 2009.

This is not an attempt to negate individuals who have a genuine desire to change, someone who has set their mind to making a difference in the quality of their life, rather this simply pointing out the absurdity of someone who believes their life is going to be different simply because the calendar has changed.

People who ACTUALLY want to shed the weight, stop drinking or learn Coahuilteco will do so because they make an effort to do so, be it January 1st 2009 or September 18, 2012. They may not be successful, but the understand it will NEVER happen if they don’t put in the effort.

Now, to tie up the rant….

I have been trying to deal with depression for a number of months now. I made a conscious effort to do so back in June of this year… and every day is a struggle (some more than others). I don’t look to anyone else to solve my issue but I try everyday because I know I have to do so.

Am I capable of affecting change is a different question. To this point the answer is no, regardless of how much I put my mind to it. What ticks me off is people who simply think things can go away because it’s a new day, they cannot. The issues still remain.

It it was as easy as saying today is the 18th so my depression is gone, I would have been a happier person ages ago.

Yesterday was a really, really hard day for me.  I won’t go into the specifics as to why, they are unimportant for this discussion.  While simply walking through the haze that was my day, I started to question if antidepressants – or any med that helps with a mental health issue –  prevents the “real” you from coming out.

Now, this question is not asking if medications help individuals deal with the issues and sickness they face – I am asking if taking the medications prevent behaviors, normal healthy behaviors, from manifesting.  Part of the motivation for asking this question stems from the fact that I do not feel like “me” any more.  I attribute this to my depression, but I also wonder how much influence the medication has in the sensation.

As I was pondering the question, I remembered back to an interview with David Neeleman, the founder and former CEO of Jet Blue. It turns out that Mr. Neeleman has Adult ADD, but a very interesting fact was attributed to his dealing with the issue:

Yet Neeleman views his hyperactivity as an asset. He won’t take medication for fear he might be robbed of the creativity and energy propelling JetBlue to rapid growth through intense customer service and innovations such as 24 channels of live TV at every seat. 

Neeleman won’t take the medication as he fears it may rob him of who he is. Interesting…

So, is the ADD aspect the David Neeleman, or is the focused individual who deal with ADD the real driving force?  Likewise, is the depression I face the real “me”, or am I in there somewhere and the antidepressants stop that from coming out while performing their function?

I have no answer to this question, it was something that game to mind as I no longer know who the real me is.

In light of the recent events of my life, I semi-expect the holiday season to be a bit rough for me.  I am not suggesting this is going to be a self fulfilling prophecy, rather I need to find a way to cope with the situation now – before actually going into the season.

Usually they are not bad for me, my big problem becomes I cannot stand being around so many people after going to so many family events.  That is an issue for me as I don’t want to be around anyone at all these days, so I can only expect the sensation to intensify.

Here are the emergency survival guidelines I’ve come up with in order to make it through this holiday season. 

1. Set time aside to be alone –  this means simply schedule in alone time so overload doesn’t set in.  Be it going out for Portillos or going to a movie, just get away.
    
2. Know your limits – If a break from family and friends is needed, speak up.  Be honest about the sensations, and communicate in a calm way, but don’t try to push through.  
    
3. Take a break – If aggravation sets in for some reason, any reason, take a break.  Exit the room for a few seconds, get away to a quiet area… anything… find a way to collect the emotions.
    
4. Get a gift – Really, go out and get something no one else is going to pick up.  Look at it as a bit of retail therapy.

Again, I am only thinking of a way to cope before it happens.  I am sure others are worried that the holiday season may kick a depressive episode into high gear. If that is the case, I hope you can leverage these ideas for yourself.

I kept thinking about my last post…and just how close I was to making a life change – one that everyone who knows me would not see coming,  my mom may have an idea, but I think there are enough that would be surprised…