Almost a year of emotional and physical hell, I’ve managed to achieve some point of clarity – it wanes – but it is still there. What is scary for those who do not experience depression on any significantly level, be it in your life or have significant interaction with the conditions, you cannot even being to understand when a depress persons says “I can’t do this… I cant go out… you have to understand that, the majority of the time that person is in udder fear of the most he or she may have to deal with and how much can they put it.. If you have someone close to you that suffered from depression, know that it is not you. You may be the direction of the anger, but it’s not you.
I am at a point where I have a general idea of who I am, what I am not, and where I would like to go in my life. Much as I did not obtain in this life on my own, I look to you for help making a life during my transition. Where I want to go and what I want my life to be will not be revealed just yet, but I will be releasing my plan for my life shortly shortly.. My intent is to know where I want to go, know what pieces will be needed and what chain of events need to talke place. I will then turnto my family, friends, loved ones for their input and feedback..
For the last year, I have been slowly burning on the inside due to depression and my realization that this is who I am, this is who I’ve come. But just because this is who I am today doesn’t mean this is who I will be tomorrow or 3 years out. I REFUSE TO LET THIS BE WHO I AM 3 YEARS OUT.
I think this all started when I lost my focus on the long term, that is where I was perfect. I was a long term planner, never mind how to get there, I would put the framework in pace, I would set the goal and have those around me help fill in the blanks on the way. For some reason, that power, that essence of my being seems to have fallen apart….
Once that was lost, I really because lost as person, dealing with depression, a loss of personal confidence in my ability to a good person… no it was that I lost my will to life. The process was, essentially long and draw out, which prevented me from actually seeing it happen in place.
Now I can say what I want… having and living with a hellish experience – I truly belief I NOW have the ability to say “yes” and “no” to what I want. These changes are going to be surprising, to some, it will be painful at time, but it’s what I need to try to do in order to life the life I want .
Because, ultimately, in life in comes down to picking our way. For so long now I’ve felt as if I just didn’t care, whatever happens happens… no more…
The note will be coming shorlty.
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