At about 5:45 this morning I was in bed, kinda in a bit of a semi-sleepy daze, and I wasn’t feeling well. I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or if I was truly feeling down. I was aware of my emotions enough to know that I should call into work but I ignored my feelings because I wanted to push through my.
I should have followed my instinct.
The second my eyes opened at 6:30 I was depressed. It’s not accurate to say “depressed”, I was extremely depressed. My emotions, my mode of thinking, and my physical manifestations all pointed to the deepest depression that I’ve experienced in a long time. None the less, I continued moving forward with my day.
The icy road and traffic caused some tension, nothing more than I could handle, and when I arrived at my office I was slightly better than when I had woken up until my first meeting of the day. It was that at that point my day completely changed.
Today I acted in a manner that was unfitting of a professional setting, a manner in which I was greatly unhappy with myself. I let the actions of another “set me off”. Essentially, I lost control of my emotions and I acted rudely with another individual. I was highly unprofessional, highly confrontational… just straight out rude. A manner in which I’ve never acted in a professional.
Yes, conflict is inevitable in the work setting, but there is conflict and then there is CONFLICT. I could have made my point by depending on other words, as well as being “less direct” with my criticism, but I was not. Facts surrounding the discussion aside I was in the wrong for acting in such a manner.
What bothers me the most about my behavior is this: I do not remember going off.
My mind was blank – it just happened.
It was truly a surreal moment because I found myself delivering a line of criticism in an elevated voice without any preconceived knowledge or forethought as I was speaking. My intent was not to act rudely to make my point, something just happened… the combative personality presented itself in the conversation.
What cannot figure out was the fact that I was dealing with extreme depression acted as the trigger for my reaction or and mindset, or if there was something else in play with the situation.
Afterwards, one of my coworker who overheard the situation said that I being to hard on myself. He was quite supportive of me and also pointed out that his actions would have been significantly harsher had he been in my situation. I understood where he was coming from but I still fault myself for my actions.
I have never acted in such an unprofessional manner… and that bothers me because I potentially see it as a sign/signal for other things in life. As much as I tried, that event basically set the tone for the rest of the day. And, yes, I am extremely hard on myself, this I know…
…I just have to remind myself to listen to my instinct.
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