Jan
06
Posted (Van Santos) in Depression on January-6-2009

For the last week I had the strong desire to write (and write, and write) about depression and a number of things that I am going through. The posts range from introspection on who I am and where my life is going to the emotion and sensations I have been dealing with over the last few days. Each time I attempt to write, each time I sit down and put thought to paper (or Office) I simply cannot express myself properly.

The writing process starts relativity well. I begin to structure my post based on the main themes I want to touch on, I find the word that accurately describe the sensation I feel that then… it all falls apart. I cannot continue. I find my mind ends up being flooded by every single topic I want to express in regards to depression or anxiety. My structured post, the one I just established a solid framework for only moments earlier, quickly becomes an aimless mess of incomplete thoughts and disjointed views on my experience.

It almost looks like a really bad mental health MadLib.

What I find funny about my lack of ability to write about my current condition is that this is what I feel like in other aspects of my life.  I feel as if I have little to no ability to focus… I feel that my thoughts simply overwhelm me… I feel lost, adrift.  

I am not sure why this is taking place, and I have no clue as to how long it will last, but I am finding it very frustrating.

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Comments:
Wandering Coyote on January 6th, 2009 at 12:16 pm #

Perhaps you are too close to it still. I don’t know. I find it hard to write about it when I’m in the thick of it because I just don’t have the perspective to get anything out in a coherent way.

OB on January 6th, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

I run into this problem with the incomplete thoughts in writing some of the posts on my blogs. People would probably laugh at me if they saw that I generally have ten to fifteen incomplete drafts saved to Wordpress at any given time.

I don’t see it as so much of a problem. That’s just the way my mind works.

What I’ll do is write the post that pops into my head as fast as possible, not even going back to fix spelling errors, just to get it out there. I don’t publish it though.

I then split the messy post into 5 or more separate posts based on each topic I touched on and just work on each post as the mood strikes me.

It may not be the most efficient way to work but, it works with my abstract thought patterns.

Van Santos on January 6th, 2009 at 7:42 pm #

@WC – I like to think that is part of the problem, maybe it is simply being too close to what is going on.

I’m thinking that I need to just step back – maybe…

@OB – You bring up an interesting way of posting (and something I am going to try). Let me ask you this, tho… how do you know when your post is “done”?

OB on January 6th, 2009 at 10:38 pm #

:) Sometimes mine never are. After posting my last comment, I decided to go back and take a look at some of my drafts. I had one in there that I haven’t touched since August.

I think maybe trying not to over-analyze helps. I can sit down and punish myself over getting it just exactly right for weeks.

Over-analyzing yourself and your environment can be in itself a symptom of depression. If you do this, you can end up editing the humanity out of your writing (I have a really bad tendency of doing this).

I think whenever you feel like the point you originally set out to make is made to your satisfaction, then it’s done. I wouldn’t worry about anybody else.

Gianna on January 7th, 2009 at 10:46 am #

I think I post all the stuff that is rambling and half-assed…is it possible your inner critic is stopping you from just expressing yourself??

I just don’t care…I pump stuff out and post it…bam…

not sure when this happened—just a couple of years ago..I stopped censoring myself…

my brain doesn’t work very well either…horribly compared to when I was at university, but I just say what the heck and post whatever drivle comes out of my mouth (fingers)…

I may be off base…maybe you’re really struggling with something else…

I’ve simply found it liberating to not give f*&^ about what I post…

there are times I can’t write and then I just don’t try…

go easy on yourself.

peace.

Van Santos on January 7th, 2009 at 6:03 pm #

Hi Gianna…

I like the approach OB has, so I am going to give that a try. I don’t know that it’s an inner critic, I just think it’s my mind going all over the place.

I do agree, second you remove the filter it does seem to just come out a heck of a lot easier.

Van Santos on January 7th, 2009 at 6:04 pm #

Hey OB…

You hit on one big thing – I can over-analyze bit time. You hit it on the head, tho… the second that I think the point is made that’s when it’s done!

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