As I sit here watching “No Country For Old Men” I started thinking about the happiest times in my life. The twisted nature of movie got me thinking about happiness for some reason. Actually, the reason I started thinking about happiness is due to Josh Brolin’s character. He is running from individuals who want to kill him because he has “their” money, and he thinks that once he finally can escape – once he can put it behind him – he and his wife can life the life they want.
What he doesn’t seem to understand is that he will always be running because of the money. He will always be looking over his shoulder because of his past actions, fearing that they will catch up with him at any moment.
When I had this realization, it got me thinking that the characters, while having a hard life, were unaware how happy they actually were before their life got “complicated”. Weird for me to make that connection – intent of the directors or otherwise? Yes, I would say so.
Anyway, this really started me down a path of introspection – when was I the happiest in my life?
I know this has the potential to be a rather existential question but, it is an honest one. When was I the happiest in life. All things being equal, I would have to say that it was 1996 to 2002. Was life easy during that time? No. I was in college and I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t have a lot of money or possessions, but I did have what I needed. This was in part because of my part-time job and because of my parents. Did I have depression? No. Was I doing what I wanted in life? No.
All that aside, that is when I was truly happy. That is when I was “me” at the core and I had no questions, no hesitation, about who I am and what I wanted from life.
From 2002 to 2005 life was “just there”, and in many regards I was numb. It is almost as if I woke up one day and I was 27 years old, unsure of where my life had gone.
In 2005, roughly October of that year, life started slowly going down hill for me. Looking back at it now, I realize the trigger – not the cause – was due to the situation I was in at work. Overall, it was very unhealthy for me and for the team I was on. All of us were under an extreme amount of stress due to conditions and situations beyond our control, and sure, we could have decided to change our situation but we were all typical “Type A”, take the world by the balls, but we hung in there because that is what you do – you do not admit defeat and you push through until something better comes along.
Something changed in me during this time, I was unaware of it until I started look at how my life has been playing out since then.
The beginning of 2008 started off magically (Jan to May) – I was happy, I had all that I could ask for in a relationship and in a job but I wasn’t truly happy with how I was. Then the depression kicked. My emotions amplified under the pressure and the next thing I know I feel as if life is completely out of my control. Work was falling apart on many levels (I wasn’t performing they way I wanted to), my relationship was suffering under the undue stress from my condition, my family was put at a distance because I didn’t want to interact with them…
Even thought the world can easily look at my situation (the job, the family, the relationship, the condo) and say I am living the dream, I have everything going for me, they are not living in my situation. I am. Do I think that it is possible for me to find the inner happiness I once had? Yes. Do I think it will be easy? No. The only thing that I am sure of is that major changes to my life will need to take place in order to make it happen.
Back in 2005, when I was in a rough situation at work, I was wrong. Even though I survived the situation, I was defeated…. I just didn’t know it at the time. While I have not truly experience inner happiness in years, I am finally understanding why – I continue to live life operating as if I am the “old” me.
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