So, how did the Holiday season go for me? Not too bad…
Monday and Tuesday were good days, up until Tuesday evening. No clue as to why or what happened, but the emotions just set in – I felt the exact moment it happened too. With the understanding that I was funk-bound, I simply went with it.
For most of Christmas Eve (Family Event #2) I was tense but not in total personal collapse. I managed to keep myself “in the moment” but it was damn hard. Really damn hard, actually. The holiday triggers were all around me, it was almost as if I was being tempted into just going over to the dark side, but I didn’t. I would like to say I truly enjoyed myself Christmas eve, but I can’t say that to be the case – my focus was on simply making sure I didn’t slide into a bad place.
When I went to be bed on Christmas Eve, however, it was pure hell. Maybe it was the act trying to stay focused, trying to fight the emotions during the day, but when my head hit the pillow my mind was flooded with agony. The emotions and sensations that rushed into my head were so intense that I was amazing I made it through the night. Yes, obviously, I did not sleep that well.
For being tired, and now starting to really feel under the weather (Oh, I have a semi-sore throat) Christmas Day (family events 3 and 4) was not bad, and for the first time this entire holiday season I could truthfully say I enjoyed myself. Yes, there was tension where I was trying to keep myself in check, but I have the ability to say I did find enjoyment with what what I was doing and who I was with.
I turned to my self-developed sanity checklist a number of times. Most times without those around me knowing I was doing so, as I want to keep the impact on their lives as minimal as possible, but it did help. I also continue to develop my “want/need” list for my life… which is really difficult as I am now, truly, facing a new reality of life. I expect that I will finish that by the end of next week.
You should try it sometime….
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