Thinking about the first family event again…
Ok, putting a bit more thought into the first family event. While I was successful in managing my emotions (for the most part) there were for spot where I really got worked up where it was hard for me to control what I was feeling.
During one of these moments, actually as everyone was trying to get the car of of the snow bank it happened to be in, I get into a – small – verbal confrontation with my mother. The whole thing lasted no more than 20 seconds, but in those twenty seconds the anger I was feeling was so intense I became very pointed in what I was saying.
In reality, my frustration and lack of self control during this brief twenty second period led me to being very rude to my mom. What bothers me about the situation is that I didn’t feel bad, I was too pissed. As I was saying the word, nothing vulgar mind you, I knew how they would be interpreted and I didn’t care…. and that is what bothers me…. I didn’t care.
One consistent I seem to be experiencing is the total lack of emotion at times, and it’s not emotion for specific things or situations, it’s universal. From people who love me unconditionally to the next person on the street. I simply feel nothing for them… and I feel nothing for me.
It’s a weird sensation to look at life and feel little to nothing about anything. (note, I know that is not the best formed sentence, but I’m leaving it that was simply because it makes a point) So many sensation and situations catch me by surprise these days…when you “know” you should be saying “sorry” for being offensive, or feel empathetic…. I don’t know. It’s just weird.
Anyway, Sorry Mom.
Related posts: