I sat alone eating lunch yet 10 people surrounded me. The moment was quite surreal. I had the sensation of being surrounded by white noise – I saw people talking, I knew the restaurant was crowded, and there were multiple TVs on but I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t see anything. On occasion a word would float into one ear, but beyond the random comment somehow making it into my mind nothing was registering.
The disconnect from my surroundings, the individuals I was with, was obvious to some. It was clear that something was wrong even though I tried to act like all was well, all was normal. While I tend to have the ability to “hide” when I am dealing with depression from those in the work place that gift was lacking yesterday. I was numb.
Oddly enough, I don’t remember much about the meal. At one point, for one moment during a 87 second conversation I was engaged in, I recall thinking I was enjoying myself and that I wished I could always enjoy such situations, but that moment disappeared before I even realized it was upon me. I truly wanted to be involved, enjoying myself, but I was so insulated… so… detached… that I was unaware of most things in the restaurant, let alone those I was sitting next to.
I fear I am losing the ability to hide my issue in the work setting and that is the only thing keeping me going at this point.
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