I want you to head over to Chunks of Reality and read the post titled Tuesday, December 9, 2008. Frankly, this posting resonated quite clearly with me as I feel a number of these emotions on a daily basis – some days more than others.
For a moment, I want to focus on several of the line items listed in the post. These are, consistently, items I face.
- I don’t want to work
Actually, for me, “don’t want to” is not the way to put it. It’s that’s often times I cannot… or barley can… I have found that this applies to just about everything – job, chores, life. The motivation to do anything is simply gone. You get to the point where you don’t care. As much as you want to, as much as you think about what you were able to do “in the past” you simply cannot get going.
- I cannot face people
This one is quite self explanatory. When things swing into an “episode” facing other people becomes painful. Talking to, interacting with, simply being around all someone all become highly difficult interactions. To the point where even making eye contact is difficult. For me, it’s not that there is a sense of shame or embarrassment; it’s a matter of self-preservation. I can’t face you as I am trying to face myself.
- I cannot focus
Just try this for me… Take every thought – every emotion – you’ve had in the last 24 hours, and trying to imagine experiencing all of those emotions in one single moment. When depression or anxiety sets in, that is what it can be like… I cannot even being to focus on what I need to do 13 minutes from now let alone NOW when that happens.
- I just want it to end
Self explanatory, no? After trying to address issues in a variety of ways, one can get very tired of having no treatment work – or work for limited periods of time. A frustration and anger sets in, on that can get in the way of making forward progress. You just get to the point where you don’t care any more, you just want it over.
- What happened?
What happened to the person I knew myself to be? Where did my motivation go? Where did my desire go? Why does everything seem so difficult? Is this normal? When will I return? Why am I shadow of my former self? What happened to me and where do I go from here?
By no means am I saying every depressed person faces the same feelings and emotions, this is not cookie cutter in any way, but that post summed up what I struggle to communicate to individuals who do not face depression. For the first time in a long time I had the “Wow, someone gets exactly what I feel” sensation.
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